Sorry But No

Alien Vs Predator Vs Killer Stripper

2010-01-09T12:25:00.005Z

#4 - Dr Moreau's House of Pain

Skipped over films 2 and 3 to bring you this cheap and nasty effort. If you've seen the episode of The Mighty Boosh with the mutant race of animal-men under the zoo then you've basically seen this film.

The high point of this 80 minutes takes place right at the start, leaving you hoping for another killer animal stripper punching through a guys head moment. Oh yeah i forgot to mention that one of the mutant animal people is a super strong stripper, so maybe best sit on your hands during your lapdance.

There is a storyline in here somewhere but to be honest its all about the half man half pig dude

#5 - Alien - 2003 Directors Cut

Is the bukkake scene with the battered body of Ash really necessary? I mean yeah he's a recently unmasked robot twat but do you really need to cum all over his face.

#6 - Predator

Two future American Governors are hunted by an alien with a slack jaw and a cannon on his shoulder. Reality TV version is currently in negotiations, Neil and Christine Hamilton likely to present.

2010

2010-01-02T13:45:00.003Z

Decided that my new year resolution is gonna be to write at least one word about every film i watch for the whole year. Now i won't bore you all by putting it all up here, not sure what form posts will take but at least some of it will make it up.

So 1st up on new years day was

#1 - The Hangover

Was so hungover when i watched this that laughing made my brain hurt. Luckily that really wasn't an issue.

Regular Service Will Resume Shortly

2009-07-20T15:28:00.001+01:00

Finally moved house so things are a bit crazy at the moment. Once i find the local pound shop and get an internet connection sorted i'll start work on the next review.

In other news i ran the 1st Sorry But No competition over on Twitter. It was won by @IAmDunketh and he will soon be the proud owner of Revenge of the Dragon.

Aquanoids

2009-07-06T10:10:00.005+01:00

Nobody sets out to make a film like 'Aquanoids'. You start with the greatest intentions but at some point during production the penny drops and you have a choice to make. You either resign yourself to the fact your best effort more closely resembles something that is flushed away rather than loved and cherished or you go the 'Aquanoids' way and revel in the mess you've hopefully financed with other peoples money.

I could go on in detail about the films plot but it's much easier if you just think of 'Jaws' and replace the shark with a monster that looks like GWAR have gone snorkeling. Oh and you'll have to imagine the cast of 'Jaws' are all young women with large breasts and electric scooters but other than that it's just like 'Jaws'. Your imagination has probably created a pretty poor film and your right it's terrible but that hasn't stopped me from watching it 3 times.

Our lead has a name but i don't remember it so I've christened her Jugs McGee for review purposes. So anyway Jugs is an environmentalist who goes swimming, spots an 'Aquanoid' and generally has a panic about it. Jugs and her mate Token (again not her name but it hardly matters) try to convince the mayor to close the beaches and people to stay out of the water. They are clearly fighting a losing battle, i mean that might have had a chance if it was a shark but the words 'Stay out of the water the aquanoid is back' are just gonna make people think your a bit 'special'. No one listens so they go and kill it themselves, slaughtering a new species is strange behaviour for an environmentalist but whatever.

I've still not convinced you that this is worth watching but I'm getting to it.

If the phrase 'so bad it's good' means nothing to you it might be best if you were to give this one (and most of the films on this site) a miss. Most films have at least one redeeming feature, here though the lack of one is its only redemption. The direction, acting, music and editing are so bad its hard to believe your not watching Garth Marenghis Darkplace, it's painful and painfully funny all at the same time.

Case in point, electric scooters. Generally when moving the action to a new location an edit will suffice, audiences are savvy enough to know that the passage of time is not a linear concept in cinema. Clearly our director (i say that loosely his main experience in movie making is as gaffer or lighting technician) feels the edit is a waste of a perfectly good joyride on an electric scooter in double speed complete with dramatic 70s cop show music. It's not big or clever but you won't find it anywhere else.

To date it also holds the record for fastest flash of tit in any film I've ever seen, 2m 02s, the opening credits are still running for Christs sake. Other notable firsts/records include

- The only time I've seen a women squeeze a dudes balls until blood runs down his leg
- The world record for shortest time between insemination and child birth at less than 5 minutes (them Aquanoids are packing some serious soldiers)
- The only recorded case of a fully dressed skinny dipper

Actually i don't think I've done a very good job of convincing you to watch this. Well I'll the last word to the Aquanoid himself....

If that doesn't seal the deal nothing will

Shadow Boxer

2009-06-25T07:40:00.003+01:00

One day I'm going to be faced with reviewing a film so bad and so dull on all levels that writing anything even remotely interesting is going to be nigh on impossible. Luckily a well placed comedy erection means that moment has not come just yet. Shadow Boxer stars a bald guy and his mustache sporting friend who appear to be Hong Kong's answer to the Chuckle Brothers. Paul (bald) and Barry (mustache) are travelling salesmen, trying to pedal some ancient Viagra pill and generally get something for nothing.

Paul and Barry soon find themselves mistaken for great kung-fu fighters and are hired by a village to save them from the bandits milking the town for protection money. This is where Barry meets the cockacidal maniac that makes this film something special. Luckily she is one of the few characters given a name, which is good because I've run out of Chuckle Brothers to name them after. So, Deadly Tigress (oddly named i must admit) has a serious addiction to cock. So serious is her addiction it has claimed the lives of her 11 previous husbands and she has Barry in line to be number 12. Unfortunately Barry's performance is not up to the high standards of Tigress so she gives Barry a little dose of some serious pharmaceutical that helps the situation on its way. The problem comes the next morning when Barry is still as stiff as a board and more than a little worn out, all he wants to do is have a rest and maybe put a bit of ice on his swollen genitals. A nasty little bandit has other plans and engages Barry in a spot of fisticuffs, watching a man fight while hunched over to hide his erection is pure comedy gold.

So yeah the bandit gang have got the village terrified, which is a little strange considering the bandits are led by a guy who somehow resembles both Shawn Ryder and Bez. His task of being an intimidating villain is made even harder by his dubbed voice making him sound like a schizophrenic Scooby-Doo villain. Oh and he's also frightened of Deadly Tigress because he thinks her vagina has teeth, which to be fair it might i mean it would explain a lot. He also refuses to take protection money from the handicapped which while a noble gesture is hardly good for his ruthless tough guy image.

The big joke here is that they are mistaken for great fighters but are really just making it up as they go along. The problem is that they are clearly fairly good fighters pretending to be shit (a bit like Joey is Friends only he's shit pretending to be really shit). It's like Pacino and De Niro playing the Chuckle Brothers in a Hollywood remake, while it would be a fantastic spectacle you'd never believe it.

Operation Delta Force

2009-06-22T07:39:00.003+01:00

The DVD case proudly claims that Delta Force 'would make Rambo look like a dress wearing sissy!' Now that's some bold talk right there and as I'm sure you've guessed that's all it is. Directed by Sam Firstenberg (American Ninja and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo) and starring Ernie Hudson (Winston from Ghostbusters) it holds my childhood in its hands. I can't count how many times i watched American Ninja as a kid maybe even more than i watched Ghostbusters. How you can make a disappointing film when the benchmark is American Ninja is beyond me but the next 90 minutes proved it to be possible.

I don't know who to blame for this film, the men who wrote it or Firstenberg for agreeing to direct it. What starts as standard action fare soon takes a questionable turn into an area most screenwriters would, quite rightly, avoid like an M-People greatest hits CD. Terrorists break into a research facility in Mozambique (i think) and steal a vial of the Ebola virus engineered to become airborne and the only vial of the vaccine. Now this bit is good, nice simple idea that for a screenwriter just writes itself. Maybe that was the problem, bored writers trying something new and failing because what comes next can't be described as anything close to a success.

Like all good terrorists these guys have a cause to fight for, here we have a group of right wing, racist, white South Africans intent on using the recently acquired virus to do a spot of ethnic cleansing. Is it just me that finds this a topic a little inappropriate for a cheap ass TV action movie to wade into? I had a little think for ideas that i would find more inappropriate and the best i could come up with was Harold Shipman coming back from the dead to avenge the death of Princess Di by knocking off various members of the royal family.

The dodgy plot is not the only obvious indication of the lack of money involved in this production. As is pretty standard in most action movies bar 'Top Gun' all the shots of military aircraft are stock footage or Gulf War news footage. But that's to be expected, what isn't is the one explosion that is repeated whenever anything goes bang. The first time you see the exploding mine cart it makes sense because Delta Force are in a mine, when it crops up later the mine cart looks very out of place in the jungle and on a boat. The magic mine cart throws up another question, if these guys are well trained would they not think twice before using a grenade in an abandoned gold mine? Well they go for it anyway and surprise, surprise they get trapped in a cave in. Well done dickheads! Not only are you trapped but one of you has a massive rock crushing his leg but don't worry you've a medic on hand, just not a very good one. When a trained medic has to ask 'which leg is it?' you know your in trouble, could it be the one with the huge fuck off rock on top of it.

So yeah the films goes on and Delta Force save Africa all by themselves, whoop de fuckin' doo. My favourite part of the whole experience was after the film i went to look at the special features only to find that the words 'Special Features' on the menu were just that, words. You couldn't actually choose the special features so one can only assume the words 'Special Features' constitute a special feature in their own right.

Revenge of the Dragon

2009-06-18T09:20:00.006+01:00

70's martial arts movies are the 'Fried Egg Chili Chutney' sandwich of cinema, everything about them is so, so wrong but at the right time there is nothing more satisfying. So with this in mind i settled down with an enormous bag of pretzels and a few beers ready to enjoy the disconnection of words and mouth that bad dubbing revels in.

Simple and functional is the order of the day as far as plot goes. The Police attempt to infiltrate a criminal smuggling operation by sending our mustachioed hero in undercover. The powerful combination of quality facial hair and his pearly grin soon have the ladies swooning and the criminals begging for him to join their gang (well the crims may have been more impressed by the fact he can crush a guys skull with one hand but I'm sure the 'tach played a part).

Soon our hero is introduced to the criminal kingpin who, in his dressing gown smoking with a cigarette holder, is no doubt the criminal classes Noel Coward. His resemblance to British playwrights aside he is still one fruity muddy funster. I'm sure being the head of a criminal organisation brings with it certain freedoms that are not normally available to your average criminal but getting two prostitutes to tickle you and massage your arse is still questionable behaviour.

Now in the middle of the film something happens in between fights that exposes our hero as an undercover cop and naturally this makes his criminal pals a little cross. I'd love to tell you what this was but i have to confess that i lost interest around this time and started drawing on my foot.

By the time I'd regained some interest moustache man was fighting anyone and everyone, crushing skulls with the greatest of ease. As you can imagine he gives everyone a good kicking and stops the bad guys, hurrah!!! The fight scenes are most defiantly the films strong point, while not overly showy they are very fast and well choreographed by Yuen Wo Ping of 'Crouching Tiger...' and 'Matrix' fame. According to the IMDB the film was cut in the UK to remove some scenes containing weapons and some pretty brutal whipping scenes. Not sure if i had the cut version or not but it had the almost obligatory nunchuck fight and the last half hour was pretty brutal.

The only bit that had me really puzzled was possibly the strangest editing decision I've ever witnessed. The screen wipe is a technique seemingly only favoured by George Lucas and people editing the video of the early nineties holiday where Dad had a video camera stuck to his face for 2 weeks solid. Yet despite this one crops up in the middle of this film, why just the one? But if that's the only thing that bothered me in its 90 minute run time then 'Revenge of the Dragon' did something right.

Nutbag: The Story of the Vegas Ripper

2009-06-15T10:12:00.009+01:00

'Nutbag' is a horrible name for a film. Scrot Satchel and Ball Purse are also horrible names for a film but let’s not concern ourselves with those because this one's called 'Nutbag'. The tagline on the box declares this '10 Days inside the mind of a serial killer', so what does a serial killer do in 10 days? Well this particular killer talks to his pet spider and kills prostitutes. Well you assume he kills them, the majority of them die in the edit. One second they are alive and well then a quick cut to a new angle and the whole place is covered in blood.

I could lay into this film for all sorts of reasons, the script is horrible, acting horrendous, the painfully intrusive voice over but the one i want to take a run at is the killer’s wardrobe. He begins with the bold fashion statement that is a t-shirt with a breast pocket, tucked into his jeans. I don't think i've ever worn a t-shirt and thought 'do you know what this needs? Just a little pocket here to securely store any knick-knacks that i collect during the day.'

If this wasn’t bad enough when our Killer (I’d use his name but he’s credited simply as killer) wears a button up shirt he seems to be incapable of tucking it in to his trousers with anything even bordering on success. It looks like he’s been taking fashion tips from MC Hammer but got his wires crossed and ended up inventing the parachute shirt in the process. It somehow manages to be both tucked in and hanging out at the same time. Why this bothered me so much I couldn’t tell you but if this film had been even slightly less than awful I’m sure I’d have let it spoil it for me.

Shirts aside there really is very little to day about this film, positive or otherwise, or at least that’s what I thought until I had a little gander at the discs special features. Normally £1 shop DVDs have very little in the way of extra content save for a trailer or 2 but ‘Nutbag’ has something truly special in store. In a moment of madness the films director decided it would be appropriate to write page after page of gushing praise for his own film and disguise it as ‘Directors Notes’. Apparently his latest film, Murder Set Pieces, is banned in the UK. I can only assume this is the BBFC trying to save me from myself.

If you were ever faced with the decision between ‘Nutbag’ and a 6-hour lecture from Anthea Turner on the correct way to clean a toilet seat I’d highly recommend you go for the latter on the outside chance she might put on a buffet lunch.

Rusty Gateway

2009-06-11T13:02:00.002+01:00

Needlessly wordy

Dear Milo_Myage

Thank you for your interest in the above role. We have now had the opportunity to review all the applications. Unfortunately we are unable to progress yours as others have more closely matched our requirements.

The advertisement for the role attracted many well-qualified candidates, which made initial selection all the more difficult. We have endeavoured to be fair and objective in this selection process but of course appreciate that this outcome may be disappointing for you.

May we take this opportunity to again thank you for taking the time to apply and to wish you every success for the future.

Please keep an eye on on our website where all our current vacancies are updated on a daily basis

Kind regards,

and painfully blunt

Thank you for your application. We have now reviewed your details and unfortunately we will not be progressing with your application at this stage.

I would like to thank you for your interest in the role and the company and will be in touch should anything suitable arise in the near future. In the meantime, I would like to wish you good luck in your job search.

Kind regards

Been on a Gateway to work course for the last 2 weeks. All we seem to have done is stare at a computer screen and have a fag break every 20 minutes. Hardly the most constructive way to use my time but it gets me out of bed and we're normally done by lunchtime. Though eating pasties from Greggs everyday for 2 weeks has put me off pastry for good.

Same Old Story

2009-06-08T13:44:00.002+01:00

It's been a while but here's another rejection for the collection

Dear Milo_Myage

RE : Application for Data Processing Clerk

Unfortunately you have been unsuccessful on this occasion.

However, we would like to Thank You for your interest in ******** and wish you the best of luck with future applications.

Kindest Regards

That should really say 'Thank you for your lack of interest' It's amazing how quickly the rejections just begin to wash over you. When I open a new one I don't even read it properly, just scan it for negative words then onto the next one.

Shadowchaser: The Gates of Time

2009-05-28T16:54:00.004+01:00

AKA Orion's Key, Alien Chaser, Project Shadowchaser 4

The number of names this film goes by you'd think it was trying to hide something, well it seems to have worked because despite this being the forth 'Shadowchaser' film it's the first i've heard of the series. Looking over the directors IMDB page reveals the high point of his career to be 4 episodes of 'Peak Practise' and 2 episodes of 'Ultimate Force', so we've not got a regular Scorsese on our hands here but TV work has to at least be functional so this shouldn't be too painful on the eyes.

We've got a fairly simple storyline to grapple with here, 5000 years ago aliens are in contact with an African tribe. After one of their little get togethers the aliens spaceship is struck by lighting and explodes. You'll just have to run with this and ignore how unlikely it is that a civilisation capable of space travel are unfamiliar with the concept of a Faraday cage. Jump to present day and a team of archaeologists are digging around the crash site and find this little key thing that the aliens gave to the tribes people before they came to their untimely end. Well most of them came to an untimely end, all except for large alien cyborg Sirius who wakes up at this point and goes in search of the key.

Sirius is the films main problem, it's really hard to take a killer alien robot seriously when he looks like Duke Nukems' homosexual cousin. Nobody can look badass with a bleached blonde flat top and black spandex shirt but worse is to come when he opens his mouth. Just to make sure you know that Sirius is a robot he has a computerised robot voice that makes it sound like he is underwater. This guy makes Johnny5 from 'Short Circuit' look like Robocop.

So the big gay robot chases the archaeologists around for a while but this is only the beginning of their problems. They have a son who was hurt in a car crash and is in hospital and apparently dying. You'd never have guessed though, when they go to visit him he looks fine probably just faking it to get some attention. The doctor is however convinced he's dying so maybe i'm missing the subtlety of the kids performance, it couldn't possibly be that he's not even trying. The poor archaeologists can't catch a break it seems as when their boss finds out about what they have found he sends a group of mercenaries after them to retrieve the key. If more employers used hired guns as a motivational tool would productivity increase?

The rest of the movie plays out in a slightly underwhelming action movie style, oh except for the spectacular stunt that never was. A truck is forced off the road and down a steep hill, well the shot appears to be set up to catch the truck rolling down the hill but it gets stuck on a rock at the very top and refuses to move. So your probably wondering what the key unlocks, i mean it must be pretty important to cause an hours worth of chases and gun fights. Well for once it actually is. The key opens an alien temple that contains an elixir that cures all illness, even the symptomless one that the archaeologists son is 'dying' from.

So for once a £1 shop movie verges on competent in all areas, not really 90 minutes wasted but hardly 90 minutes well spent.

The Attendant

2009-05-21T16:24:00.006+01:00

You might think watching all these cheap movies is a rather perverse hobby but some of my favourite films were bought from £1 shops. However after watching 'The Attendant' i might have to agree with you, putting myself through this was a mistake.

Everything was looking quite promising to begin with, i mean the box art seems to suggest a simple slasher film, the synopsis tells of campers being done in by dark forces and the IMDB shows a respectable score of 7.6. None of this is at all accurate, i'm not even convinced the guy on the box is actually in the film.

From the off it's clear that the film cost tuppence to make, shot on video using a single camera. You can tell it's a single camera and that the cameraman has very little experience using it when the happy campers stop at a roadside diner. Everything is fine outside but then muggins forgets to adjust his white balance for the interior scenes. When one camper goes to the toilet she disappears into a sea of over exposed yellow fuzz.

So at the diner the locals tell them not to go to the nearest petrol station because the titular attendant is a little creepy but they do anyway. As they drive to the petrol station the sun starts to set and it seems the budget didn't stretch as far as lighting so from now on every scene is poorly lit and most are actually out of focus (tsk, tsk, Mr. Cameraman). The attendant turns out to be a bit weird but perfectly polite even telling them where the best camp site is, what a nice guy!

Cue some more driving and inane drivel disguised as dialogue as they make their way to the camp site, oh and one of them is a psychic or something i think that's supposed to be important. So they make it to the camp site and start setting up camp but the psychic one has a bad feeling about something or other. Everyone ignores her and settles down in front of the camp fire with a bottle of tequila. Now you might think this set up has taken maybe 20 minute, half hour tops. Well your wrong we are currently a whole HOUR in! An HOUR and nothing has happened! So now you might be thinking 'God this must be quite a long film, to waste so much time on set up.' Well no your wrong again, the credits are going to roll in TEN MINUTES. Unfortunately the sprint to the finishing line isn't really any more exciting than the leisurely stroll leading up to it. How can a film get its pacing so colossally wrong?

Turns out the camp ground is haunted by a little girl who very quickly gets all but one of our campers to kill themselves in a variety of ways (including a man fellating an axe, handle first, not really a way i'd have considered taking my own life but credit for originality) and then its over. Well there is some attempt at an explanation at the end but i don't know what the fuck it was on about.

I would rather pass a right angled turd than watch this again.

Earth Alien

2009-05-19T17:41:00.003+01:00

Time for another look at the cheaper end of the DVD market with a trawl though the local £1 shop. First up is Earth Alien

Well as far as titles go ‘Earth Alien’ ranks as one of the stupidest. Luckily it’s only the title of the British DVD version, the original US release had the slightly better title ‘Endangered Species’. Looking at the credits on the back of the case was probably a mistake; they only served to get my hopes up. To start with we’ve got John Rhys-Davis (the angry midget without hairy feet from Lord of the Rings) and music by Harry Manfredini (Friday the 13th 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,9 and 10 but not 8) while not legends both capable individuals.

Anyway piss poor naming aside what we have here is a film that is heavily in debt to films like ‘Alien Nation’ and ‘Dark Angel’. Evil alien (David van Day look-alike) kills loads of people for reasons barely explained so friendly alien (bad dude from ‘The Mummy’) and straight talking cop have to team up to stop him.

To put the audience’s collective mind at rest this film lays its cards on the table very quickly, after 4 minutes if you want me to be precise. Four minutes in and people are naked and getting shot in the head. It’s the perfect hook! Well if you like films with tits and violence, it’s the perfect hook! Sadly it can't keep this up with people generally wearing more clothes and getting shot less as the film goes on.

The script needs a mention here for its childish sense of humour, every so often a line will be so absurd or vulgar that you’ll want to rewind to check you actually heard it right, the best one being the news reporter advising people if they have to go out at night ‘to travel in groups and carry big sticks’.

It all starts to go downhill when the business of actually apprehending the evil alien gets in the way. The key to making a film on the cheap is to keep within your means, something the makers of this forgot early on. If you’ve got no money don’t write vast chase sequences full of explosions and invisible cars. Oh yeah you read that right, invisible cars! Half the budget probably went on the none too convincing green screening so the evil alien could hang out of the window of his invisible car.

It’s only towards the end when our heroes go to blow up the nasty villains conveniently invisible spaceship that you realise no explanation for the previous 80 minutes has even been attempted but its something to with the Earth being an alien game reserve and the bad guy being an intergalactic tailor who does a nice line in human suits.

So while the storyline isn’t up to much the film is just about worth £1 if only to watch John Rhys-Davis accidentally shoot himself in the eye and for the definitive answer on who would win in a fight between Superman and Mighty Mouse (basically the mouse would be crushed to death while trying to fly up Superman's anal passage in an attempt to rip his heart out from the inside, crafty little bugger!)

50's Grill

2009-05-17T14:39:00.005+01:00

Another takeaway menu fell though my letterbox this morning, normally i just put them in the pile with all the other practically identical menus and leave it be. This one however managed to irritate me something rotten.

How many grills/diners circa 1950 do you know that sold halal meat let alone curries and paninis? Now you might be thinking 'Hold your horses, you haven't looked inside yet. Maybe the inside can yet redeem the '50's Grill'.

Well no it can't

Old school dishes? Old school dishes? They're not old school dishes, they're the standard curries you'd expect in any curry house (or in this case 50s grill). Maybe you'd like something from the grill which enticed you in the first place, well i'd stay clear of the 50s Special burger or as most people would call it a cheese burger with some onions. There is nothing 'Special' about putting onions on a cheese burger. Or maybe you'd like to try the 'Relish Burger' described as 'a burger smoothered with relish'. Fancy that! A relish buger has relish on it!

Ahh fuck it! All this anger has made me peckish, think i'll order a 50's Tortila Wrap.

What Does This Button Do?

2009-05-13T11:04:00.004+01:00

My search for a job reaches new levels of incompetence with this delight

Hi

Thanks for your email.

Would it be possible if you could POST me your CV as I am having problems downloading & printing the CV for my Recruitment Manager.

Please post your CV ASAP as the deadline for the CV'S is SATURDAY 16TH MAY 2009.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Having trouble downloading and printing? It's an attachment! Just open it and press print for fucks sake! It amazes me that people like this can get dressed by themselves let alone get a job.

Sorry But No Round 2

2009-05-12T17:38:00.006+01:00

Let's begin with

Dear Milo_Myage

Administration Assistant

Further to your recent application for the above position, we have now had the opportunity to review all the applications.

Although we were impressed with the quality of all the applications received, I regret to inform you that, on this occasion, there were candidates whose background and skills more closely matched the job specification than your own. However, we will keep your details on file should a suitable vacancy arise in the near future.

We would like to take this opportunity to thank you for the interest you have shown in our firm, and wish you all the best with your continuing job search.

Kind regards.

and move on to

Dear Milo_Myage

Thank you for applying for the position of Sales Assistant

We have received a high volume of applications for this specific role and unfortunately on this occasion other candidates have demonstrated greater suitability for interview.

You have demonstrated the attributes we look for at ****** and we will keep reviewing your application against other suitable roles as they arise.

We would also encourage you to go to www.*******.jobs and register for job alerts in order to be the first to hear of our new vacancies.

Once again we would like to thank you for your interest in *******.

Kind Regards,

Next up we have short and to the point

Dear Milo_Myage

INTERVIEW

Following your recent interview I regret to inform you that you have been unsuccessful on this occasion.

I wish you every success in finding suitable employment in the future.

Yours sincerely

and to round off Aprils rejections

Dear Milo_Myage

Re: Part Time Resourcing Assistant

Thank you for your recent application for the above position.

Due to the high level of applications, which matched the criteria of the role more closely than you, I regret to inform you that on this occasion your application was unsuccessful.

We hope you will not hesitate to apply for other suitable positions that we advertise in the future.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your interest in *********** and I would like to wish you every success in finding a suitable position.

Kind regards

So that was April. Well Aprils e-mail rejections, the retro letters are on my floor somewhere probably under all the dirty washing. Not really that many for a month but thats more to do with companies not even bothering to get back to me (some don't even bother to call you after you've been for an interview) than me being lazy. Instead of monthly updates i'm gonna start posting them up as i get them to give me something to do more than anything else. So until the next rejection.

While You Were Sleeping

2009-04-12T09:21:00.004+01:00

I've been awake for the last 9 hours, during this time normally reserved for sleep i have learned that...

...Rob Grant was the talented one
or at least that's how it appears after watching the first 2 episodes of 'Back to Earth'. I initially thought that it had no laughter track but maybe we just haven't got to a joke yet. Even worse unless there are a few surprises in the final episode the plot seems to be pulled straight from The League of Gentlemen film, if this is to become a staple way to revive sitcoms of the past can 'Dinner ladies' or 'The Thin Blue Line' please be next.

...Michelle Ryan has stolen someone else's voice
There were time in yesterdays Dr Who when it didn't look or sound like her voice was actually coming from her mouth, saying that i didn't spend an awful lot of time staring at her mouth. But anyway a show about flying metal stingrays and not a single distasteful Steve Irwin joke in sight. Overall it left me cold, i mean parts of it made no sense, how exactly did hitting the cold cup with the hammer help?

...Calvin Harris wasn't the worst thing i saw all night
That honour goes to the new Noisettes video, firm contender for most disappointing track or the year so far. At least Calvin's making slight progress, at this rate he'll be listenable in a few decades.

...At 5am the only half decent thing on is
Ninja Warrior and that's only because Ideal World got boring after an hour of the 13 in 1 ladder for only £90 and that leads me on to

...Ideal World's sales tactics are a bit full on
If you don't buy this ladder your going to suffer a horrible ladder related accident the next time you need to paint a ceiling. It's ok though because i firmly believe if a job requires me to climb a ladder it'll be quicker and easier just to get a man in to do it for me leaving me to make him a cup of tea in an old mug so he doesn't ruin a nice one with his coarse, work hardened hands.

and finally

...i'm too tired to write a coherent post

Sorry But No

2009-04-02T19:25:00.006+01:00

Dear Milo_Myage

Administration Assistant

Further to your recent application for the above position, we have now had the opportunity to review all the applications.

Although we were impressed with the quality of all the applications received, I regret to inform you that, on this occasion, there were candidates whose background and skills more closely matched the job specification than your own. However, we will keep your details on file should a suitable vacancy arise in the near future.

We would like to take this opportunity to thank you for the interest you have shown in our firm, and wish you all the best with your continuing job search.

Kind regards.

Or how about

Thank you for you application for the position of Office Trainee with ********, we had an exceptional response in reply for this advertisement and could not interview everybody who applied.

In your instance we will not be taking your application any further, we wish you success in finding a suitable position in the near future.

Or maybe you'd prefer

Thank you for your recent job application for the role of Part Time Sales Consultant

I really appreciate the time you have put into this but unfortunately I won’t be taking your application any further. While I can't always provide detailed feedback, there were other candidates more suitable for this position.

Thanks again for your interest in us and do keep your eye out for new opportunities on our website which is regularly updated. Use your login details to save a search and we will email you jobs that match.

In the meantime, I wish you every success in the future.

Life on Mars – A Reappraisal

2009-03-23T21:12:00.001Z

On the 9th of January 2006 at 9pm I like millions of other people sat down to watch the 1st episode of the new BBC drama series, ‘Life on Mars’. By 10pm I was hooked and a fan for life, at least I thought I was.

Thanks to the News of the World and the persistence of certain family members I was able to give the show another viewing, running through both series with some speed. I kinda wish I hadn’t bothered, then I’d still happy memories of enjoying it the first time around.

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not a terrible show, just not the same one that I remember watching at the time. I remember a 70s cop show with an interesting Sci-fi twist smartly blended in, what I’ve just watched is a 70s cop show with a Sci-fi twist intruding with the subtlety of a painter with hands made of pork.

After a couple of episodes the whole ‘am I in a coma?’ shtick totally runs out of ideas and your left with the same old Vs new conflict to play out again and again. By series 2 it’s become an exercise in treading water with only bright orange inflatable armbands keeping it afloat. When you think about it Sam doesn’t even need to be from the future to achieve the same personality clash between him and Gene. He could just be a more progressive style of police officer then they could have removed all the talking to his television that punctures and slows the quality nostalgia-fest that makes up the rest of the show.

Prior to being picked up by the BBC it had been worked on by Channel 4 who decided not to pursue the idea further because ‘it’s going to be silly’. They were right. It might have worked as a more streamlined 4-6 hour mini series but the premise didn’t have the legs for 16 hour long episodes.

Well, Well, Well

2008-08-27T23:39:00.002+01:00

I hope anyone who wanted the mix tape i put on here has already got it because the post and the file at megaupload have both mysteriously vanished.

I think it was the nazis but it could have been anyone.

Space Cowboy With A Laser Gun

2008-07-13T15:17:00.003+01:00

Buying films from £1 shops is one of the many pleasures of the modern world. The quality varies from classics (Donnie Darko + Scum) to bottom of the barrel TV movies staring actors that the 80s shit out way back when. The 3 i watched this weekend come from the lower end of the scale.

Python
Giant snake (strangely not a python at all) eats it's way though a small town. Although firmly rooted in a sea of shit it's not without its charms. Not sure if it really wants to go all out for laughs, almost feels like two separate films one serious the other with tongue firmly in cheek. Casper Van Dien is trying out an accent for his role as the head of some military thing, as if his southern drawl wasn't poor enough he frequently slips out of it. Robert Englunds career seems to be split between Freddy Kruger and creepy scientists/professors played well over the top. When it's trying to scare it fails miserably but is genuinely funny in places, the police force in particular have some killer lines and the fight in kids play park is quality.

Lost Voyage
Judd Nelson has got fat since the 80s, real fat. Cruise ship vanishes in the Bermuda triangle and returns 30 years later. So Judd goes aboard along with a film crew from a most haunted style show and Lance Hendrikson who is there to be as bad ass as possible. Genuinely creepy for about an hour, the dark, narrow corridors creating at least a little bit of atmosphere all of which is ruined in the last half hour. Remember the Casper movie with Christina Ricci well the CGI ghosts in this look a bit like them but shitter. Fat Judd Nelson being chased by casper the friendly ghost is just embarrassing for all involved.

Deep Freeze
Dog sized prehistoric insect kills scientists and crew at arctic drilling platform. Now a bad horror film should at least contain graphic violence and plenty of nudity, this has neither. There is a shower scene but its a fat man with a hairy back, this bit is horrific. Defiantly the worst of the three, watching what looks like a turn with legs chase around a group of fully clothed young people is about as entertaining as new BBC sitcom Lab Rats. I should have bought the documentary called Modern Farming instead.

I'll do a post about what i'm listening to at the moment in the near future, probably when the new Abe Vigoda album turns up. Expect it to contain Camper Van Beethoven, The Moldy Peaches, The Flying Burrito Brothers, Those Dancing Days, Abe Vigoda and Kitsune Tabloid (compiled and mixed by Digitalism).

Behold

2008-06-30T19:49:00.003+01:00

My new hi-fi in all its 1980s glory. It's been baptised with a mixture of 2562, Girl Talk and Hot Club De Paris.

So recently i've been selling a load of my old t-shirts on eBay. Seven have gone already for just over £50. Got another load on now if your interested you can find 'em here i think my auctions.

Well my 6 month contract at the post office ends at the end of July and its kinda in the air if it'll get extended. If it doesn't a clever bit of holiday placement by me will see me finish on the 19th and get paid until the 28th. Applied for another job at the post office but this time in bognor so hopefully that'll be step one towards my inevitable move southwards.

Oh and check out the bitchin' Lou Reed shirt i bought here

Stupid Morning

2008-06-15T08:12:00.003+01:00

I woke up at 7.30 this morning, 7.30 on a sunday morning! It's taken 4 months but now my body is offically in adult work mode, i just can't have a lie in anymore. To make things worse they're interviewing Keith Vas on BBC breakfast and everyone is pretending he's a real politition and not just a scaremonger intent on pinning the countrys problems on an easy scapegoat rather than their root causes.

Right i suppose i should do something now i'm up, i think coffee is in order then i might watch 'The Crazies' or play on my 360. After that i'll go binge drinking, stab a few people and generally behave in an anti-social manner, that's if Mr Vas is to be belived.

Oh and giggle much

You Guys Are Messed Up Like Texas Rangers

2008-06-07T10:58:00.004+01:00

Right let's start with some music,

Zombie-Zombie - 'A Land For Renegades'

French electro duo influenced by the horror soundtracks of Goblin and John Carpenter. Largely instrumental except for the cover of Iggy Pop's 'Nightclubbing', a couple of soundbites culled from the new york library and a few piercing screams thrown in for good measure. As if how perfectly they embrace the spirit of 80's horror wasn't clear enough there is this handy fan video of the single 'Driving this road til death sets you free' used to soundtrack a condensed version of 'The Thing' using GI Joes.

That's pretty bitchin' ain't it, if that's left you wanting more here's a coupla tracks from the album.

Zombie-Zombie - 'Driving this road....

Zombie-Zombie - 'Nightclubbing'

I'll do a post about other stuff later.

Europop FTW!

2008-05-25T12:51:00.002+01:00

For anyone who didn't spend their Saturday night watching the Eurovision song contest shame on you! Like every other year it was mostly full of Euro dross but there was a least one good song and a couple of quality giggles. So here's my top 3 from Eurovision 2008.

France - Sebastien Tellier & The Soul Gospel Singers - 'Divine'

This was the one good song and the first eurovision entry I've heard well before it became the french entry. Far too cool for school and the rest of Europe.

Latvia - Pirates of the Sea - 'Wolves of the Sea'

Pirates are so awesome! This reminds me of the pirate song from Lazytown

Spain - Rodolfo Chikilicuatre - 'Baila El Chiki Chiki'

Spain chose their song from entries on MySpace, total Robocop madness!

So that was Eurovision 2008, we came last again. It's about time we wised and realised that we're not gonna win ever again and stop taking it seriously. Along with France and Germany we're in a unique position as because we pay for most of the contest we get automatic entry into the final. So next year there's only one thing we can enter..........GRINDCORE!!!!! But none of this short 30 second grindcore, we need a 10 minute grindcore odyssey. Either that or a random tramp banging a frying pan while serenading a can of special brew, Europe would vote for that.

Damn Right I Want A Flake

2008-05-23T13:24:00.003+01:00

I'm supposed to be a work now but i forgot to set my alarm and woke up 3 hours late. After coming round to the idea of having the day off i set about thinking of what to say when i make the inevitable call to work. Well I've been thinking for a couple of hours and have come to the conclusion that it's too late to call with a plausible excuse, there is no way to explain why i phoning at half one so I'm just not gonna bother. It's over time at a different post office so it's not like i have to go back there so I'm just gonna forget about it.

Fresh from this oh so childish solution to an adult problem it's time i discussed the most difficult part of the transition from childhood to the responsibilities of the adult world. When do you become too old to go charging out the house every time you hear the ice cream mans van. The purveyor of frozen goodies has begun to come round again and every time i hear the little tune there's a split second where I'm prepared to grab my money and fly out the door like i used to but then i stop and get a little sad feeling inside. Eventually i'll give in but instead of spending my pocket money on one single cone i'm gonna have a pocket full of my hard earned cash and i'm gonna stump up for a double cone and a screwball for the cold bubblegum and maybe a moo milk as well.

Good Times!

Got Wood?

2008-05-21T23:09:00.000+01:00

I'm gonna start using this blog again me thinks.

Ruining Beth Dittos Breakfast

2007-10-27T22:14:00.000+01:00

Look I can paint a kitchen (before you say anything it's not finished in the pictures), i'm officially useful in a menial capacity. A long and monotonous task made bearable by playing Lethal Bizzle at ridiculously high volumes.

Oh yeah i have a really bad punchline to go with the title of this post but it's so bad I couldn't possible share.

Good Times!!!!

Hard Time Killing Floor Blues

2007-10-23T12:21:00.000+01:00

Reuters

Well thats it for oiNK. Wasn't a member myself but still indebted to its work. I'm not bothered about the evils of piracy, all i know is i can't afford all the music i desire so i download it. Musicians aren't losing out from me because piracy isn't stopping me from buying music simply allowing me to experience more.

She's Lost Control

2007-10-22T13:48:00.000+01:00

Why are Oasis fans so uptight? All i said was Oasis can't be the greatest band ever because their not even the greatest band from Manchester. No reason to get all defensive is there.

So aside from meeting deluded middle aged Oasis fans i've not really done anything of note other than develop an addiction to eBay once again. A sea of cheap DVDs and N64 games is currently flowing through my door. The crowning glory of this ocean of other peoples tat is a fully boxed copy of WWF No Mercy for the N64, it truly is the single greatest game ever.

Right thats your lot for now i've got some job applications to fill out on paper of all things, how retro!

Working Class Zero

2007-10-16T18:14:00.001+01:00

I used to want a job because

Job=Money=Stuff

but now it's more because

Job=leaving the house more than once a fortnight!

God i'm bored!

Not About Graduation

2007-10-11T21:30:00.000+01:00

Graduation was so much fun that i could write a massive long post about it but everyone who is gonna read this already knows all about it.

So instead

The most amazing can opener ever, put in on the can, one touch and it spins around the can. Perfect for lazy bastards like me, an end to all that tiresome turning.

Now i'm gonna watch The Peter Serafinowicz Show and i suggest you should do the same.

Acute Anxiety or Sex Tape Blues

2007-09-30T01:14:00.000+01:00

I could go on about Meg White and her recent press but that would be dull and take loads of effort so i did this instead. Much easier and a damn sight more fun.

Turns Out 7am Actually Exists

2007-09-29T08:59:00.000+01:00

As the title points out i got up early this morning and alcohol is to blame, red wine to be exact. Its becoming a recurring theme, i just can't sleep if i've been drinking (passing out doesn't count).

Well now i have the whole day ahead of me so what am i going to do? Well seen as it's Saturday and i've got the house to myself i'm gonna watch sport all day. Rugby world cup, qualifying for the Japanese GP and Gillette Soccer Saturday what more could i want.

Time for breakfast i think, might have the last Ginsters.

Out For A Kill

2007-09-25T19:51:00.002+01:00

Why did i just waste some of my precious time watching a Steven Seagal movie let alone one with a brief apperance from MC Harvey. If i keep this up my brain will actually die a slow painful death.

Chop Chop

2007-09-23T13:37:00.000+01:00

Wasn't gonna tell anyone until graduation but i got bored waiting so there it is my new haircut.

Wipe Your Feet Really Good on the Rhythm Rug

2007-09-19T14:55:00.000+01:00

So yeah it's been a while, I’d love to say I’ve been to busy but really I’m just far too lazy. Well I’ve been back up north for months now and since I left chi I’ve done bugger all. I signed on so I’m doing a bit of job seeking but only really enough to get my money. In reality looking for a job is made substantially harder when you have no idea what you want to do which is unfortunately the position I find myself in.

Well summers as good as over with the return of September but this is a new kind of September for it is the first since like 1991 that I haven't been starting a new year of education. It's the end of one of the most significant periods of my life and to be honest one I’m glad to see the back of, all that learning was getting me down now I can get to work forgetting it all. Although I’d gladly swap a testicle for another year of the student lifestyle as long as I didn't have to do any work.

Despite having no job and so no money I’m still managing to spend an awful lot of it. Got a new suit for graduation, it's the first one I’ve had that wasn't pieced together from various charity shops and it actually fits! Got a nice pair of shoes as well, the first since I left school vowing never to wear shoes again. I think 5 years wearing only trainers and work boots is pretty good going.

In another act of wreckless spending I got a new MP3 player. I lost the cable for my old one ages ago so instead of getting a new cable like a normal person I bought a whole new player and you can't have a new player without new music which luckily for my bank balance I didn't buy because I’ve been killing music for as long as I can remember (home taping was bad ass piracy). I'll do a music post later cos I really should go and get dressed, it's nearly 3pm and I’m still in my dressing gown and nightcap.

Neglect

2007-08-27T13:12:00.001+01:00

I will start posting again soon, i promise.

"There is never enough beer, to keep anyone together"

2007-06-19T14:47:00.000+01:00

Just a few new tunes to keep ya'll occupied

The Tossers - Where Ya Been Johnny
Think The Pogues but from Chicago and still making quality music and you've just about got a grasp on The Tossers. This tracks from their latest album 'Agony'.

http://www.sendspace.com/file/ejkzoa

David Allan Coe - Longhaired Redneck

Outlaw country at its finest, sure he might be a little racist but he's from Texas so what do you expect and anyway it doesn't detract from the quality of his song writing. Although not commercially successful as a recording artist his songs provided hits for many of Nashville's biggest stars. This tune cracks me up every time.

http://www.sendspace.com/file/uy6ydh

The Fighting Cocks

I can't anything other than what's on their MySpace to pike for free so i might actually have to buy a CD for a change. Looked into them cos they're playing the Lounge on the Farm festival in Canterbury in July that i may or may not be going to. Don't know how to describe them really other than different, you'll have to make up your own mind.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=7144478

Thats it for now but i might add some more later, so download, enjoy then tell us what you think.

MAOAM

2007-06-18T02:45:00.000+01:00

Today I ate Mao Mix for breakast, lunch and dinner and drank nothing but Irn-Bru. Now I can't sleep.

I'm special!

If Animals Had A Legal System...

2007-06-15T19:39:00.000+01:00

...Bill Oddie would be fucked! Springwatch is really just stalking. What a fucking pervert! I'd get a restraining order if I was a badger.

Ready To Uff

2007-06-12T16:39:00.000+01:00

Well lets start with a quick thank you to everyone who came to our party at the weekend, it was a bangin night indeed. Too bad we didn't have more parties really.

Anyway i'm in a good mood today, mostly cos i actually feel human again after the party but also because it actually feels like summer now. Ever since i we all started school summer was a big deal, it was time do whatever for 6 weeks but not anymore. This summer i actually have to get a job and become an adult, bollocks!

I've still got a few weeks in Chi to relax like old times starting with the inevitable soundtrack to the summer. It's coming together nicely already (most of it thanks to my brother), here's what i've got so far

Cansei de Ser Sexy - 'Alcohol'
Justice - 'D.A.N.C.E'
Steve Earle - 'Condi, Condi'
David Allan Coe - 'Longhaired Redneck'
Sonny Jim - 'Can't stop moving'
Rebel Meets Rebel - 'Cowboys do more dope'
Gogol Bordello - 'Supertheory of Supereverything'
Dizzee Rascal - 'Sirens'

Anyone got any recommendations?

Here's to the last summer ever

Drunk Post

2007-06-01T23:35:00.001+01:00

Just watched Johnathan Ross and all i can say is don't the Klaxons suck balls. Fucking shit the lot of 'em at least Rambo III is on, the night can only get better.

Down The Road

2007-05-27T17:17:00.000+01:00

Right so Uni is officially finished for me now, last essay went in on Friday but its really been over for 2 weeks. In the last two weeks people have left Chi and set out towards adulthood, applying for jobs (some actually getting one already) or finding somewhere to live. Congratulations to all of you with dreams, focus and dare i say it a plan for your lives.

So what have i done in the last two weeks? Same as i have done for years, drink, smoke, watch TV and play on my Xbox. Why should i change instantly after Uni, i've got the rest of my life to get a shitty job and be miserable so why rush into it?

The last 2 weeks contained vast quantities of

- Prison Break - What a quality show this is, only watched season 1 but i'm already in love with it. Only thing is you have too turn your brain off and dribble cos if your don't you'll over think it and realise how stupid it really is.

- Xbox - Been playing Pro Evo 4 almost constantly with bits of Amped and Project Gotham Racing thrown in for good measure, still got Max Payne 2 to start as well. The first thing i did after Uni finished was get down to Gamestation and get all 4 for £10.

- Sleep - Still as much fun as ever

So what have i got planned for next week? Well more of the same really just with Heroes instead of Prison Break.

Oh and the new Megadeth album is much better than i thought it would be, i even like the new version of A Tout Le Monde.

So until we meet again.

EMO

2007-05-16T18:45:00.000+01:00

Might be a while before i get round to a proper post so in the meantime

http://www.explosm.net/comics/901/

Daniel Bishop

2007-05-12T17:58:00.000+01:00

1986-2007

Gone but never forgotten

[Insert Spider Joke Here]

2007-05-09T13:39:00.001+01:00

I don't know what scares me more the spiders or how happy that kid looks about the whole thing, fuckin' freak!

clipped from www.news.com.au

Spiders flushed from boy's ear

A NINE-year-old American boy who was suspicious of a "Rice Krispie" sound in his ear, was found to have a couple of spiders living in there.

What began as a faint popping turned into ear ache for Jesse Courtney from Albany in the state of Oregon.

Jesse's mother, Diane Courtney, said her son insisted he kept hearing a faint popping in his ear - "like Rice Krispies''.

"They were walking on my eardrums,'' Jesse said, according to the Associated Press.

Dr David Irvine said it looked like the boy had something in his ear when he examined him.

When he irrigated the ear, the first spider came out, dead. The other spider took a second dousing before it emerged, still alive. Both were about the size of a pencil eraser.

Jesse has kept the spiders as a souvenir.

Speechless

2007-05-09T01:40:00.000+01:00

click here to see more videos like this

Excuse me while i go change my pants

Circle-Jack (Chase the Magic Words, Lego Lego)

2007-05-07T15:36:00.000+01:00

The beginning of the end is here, from now on i'll be experiencing many 'lasts'. Tonight is the last Flirt of my University life (all 3rd years take a moment to remember when it was Pounded which seen through our nostalgic eyes was infinitely better). Every day of this coming week will be full of 'lasts' and it's not a pleasant thought, well except for handing in my last ever essay i like the sound of that one.

However i refuse to get bogged down in the sadness, i'm gonna celebrate this week rather than mourn it so i expect to see each and everyone of ya in the bar at some point to join me for a drink or many.

Now for me to actually start this last ever essay.

Let Battle Commence

2007-05-02T17:54:00.000+01:00

Right i have 3000 words to write for Friday, however i'm doing the all-nighter tonight so i can get some sleep before the ball on Friday. Hopefully it shouldn't be so hard as it's about the legend of stand-up comedy that is Richard Pryor.

I think i have everything i'm gonna need
- Tobacco
- Coffee
- Irn-Bru
- Crisps
- Pizza
- Sweets

If i see ya tomorrow don't expect me to do more than mutter something about tired.

At Least My Ass Won't Go Numb

2007-05-01T15:17:00.000+01:00

Grindhouse Dismantled

Right time for a little rant about something unimportant but still enough to irritate me. I've been looking forward to the film 'Grindhouse' for a while now, it's been out in America since April but i'm used to waiting on stuff to make it here, no big deal.

What is a big deal is when they go messing about with the very thing that makes the film an interesting concept rather than a simple B-Movie. Grindhouse is really 2 movies in one with an intermission and fake trailers in between. Its a celebration of the B-Movie double feature of old that is sadly missing from modern cinemas. However the film tanked at the US box office so to try and rescue the situation Harvey Weinstein in his infinite wisdom has decided to release the films separately in the UK.

Now i don't know about you but i was looking forward to sitting on my ass for 3 hours with a vat of popcorn and a bucket of coke. Unless i find a cinema showing them back to back i ain't going to bother, why should i pay twice to see the whole spectacle just because they need to recoup their losses.

Right rant over.

I should really start my essay now, 3000 words for Friday but before i do i'm gonna give a few of these Zombie Games another go. Oh try this one as well, Zombie Grinder

Man Whips It Out Then Chops It Off

2007-04-29T16:56:00.001+01:00

clipped from www.metro.co.uk

Doctors desperately tried to re-attach a man's penis after he burst into a crowded London restaurant on Sunday, dropped his trousers, and hacked his own organ off in front of horrified diners.

The man, thought to be Polish, ran into the Zizzi Italian restaurant on The Strand at about 9pm on Sunday night, when it was crowded with people who had been watching the London Marathon earlier in the day.

Sales rep Stuart McMahon, who was eating at the restaurant with his girlfriend, told the Sun: 'This guy came running in then charged into the kitchen, got a massive knife and started waving it about.

'Everyone was screaming and running out as he jumped on a table, dropped his trousers and popped his penis out.

We don't know if he has a history of mental illness, but he's clearly not a well boy.'

Restaurant staff called the police, who had to subdue the man with CS gas, before taking him to hospital. They also picked up the severed penis, put it on ice, and gave it to doctors.

Right 1st real post and it's about cock, well start as you mean to go on. Found this story yesterday and it almost made me forget about the unspeakably bad thing that happened yesterday. Might post about that later when i can articulate the full horror of the event.

Blogging Take 2

2007-04-29T16:21:00.000+01:00

The idea of having a blog to call my own has entered my head again, mostly after reading Doug's and actually posting to the one on MySpace. I could just continue to use that one but then i won't be able to play with my new toy, Clipmark.

So until the novelty wears off i'll be filling this with random stuff i find on the internet and maybe a few rambling thoughts of my own.