Alien Vs Predator Vs Killer Stripper

#4 - Dr Moreau's House of Pain



Skipped over films 2 and 3 to bring you this cheap and nasty effort. If you've seen the episode of The Mighty Boosh with the mutant race of animal-men under the zoo then you've basically seen this film.

The high point of this 80 minutes takes place right at the start, leaving you hoping for another killer animal stripper punching through a guys head moment. Oh yeah i forgot to mention that one of the mutant animal people is a super strong stripper, so maybe best sit on your hands during your lapdance.

There is a storyline in here somewhere but to be honest its all about the half man half pig dude

#5 - Alien - 2003 Directors Cut



Is the bukkake scene with the battered body of Ash really necessary? I mean yeah he's a recently unmasked robot twat but do you really need to cum all over his face.

#6 - Predator



Two future American Governors are hunted by an alien with a slack jaw and a cannon on his shoulder. Reality TV version is currently in negotiations, Neil and Christine Hamilton likely to present.

2010

Decided that my new year resolution is gonna be to write at least one word about every film i watch for the whole year. Now i won't bore you all by putting it all up here, not sure what form posts will take but at least some of it will make it up.

So 1st up on new years day was

#1 - The Hangover

Was so hungover when i watched this that laughing made my brain hurt. Luckily that really wasn't an issue.

Regular Service Will Resume Shortly

Finally moved house so things are a bit crazy at the moment. Once i find the local pound shop and get an internet connection sorted i'll start work on the next review.

In other news i ran the 1st Sorry But No competition over on Twitter. It was won by @IAmDunketh and he will soon be the proud owner of Revenge of the Dragon.

Aquanoids

Nobody sets out to make a film like 'Aquanoids'. You start with the greatest intentions but at some point during production the penny drops and you have a choice to make. You either resign yourself to the fact your best effort more closely resembles something that is flushed away rather than loved and cherished or you go the 'Aquanoids' way and revel in the mess you've hopefully financed with other peoples money.

I could go on in detail about the films plot but it's much easier if you just think of 'Jaws' and replace the shark with a monster that looks like GWAR have gone snorkeling. Oh and you'll have to imagine the cast of 'Jaws' are all young women with large breasts and electric scooters but other than that it's just like 'Jaws'. Your imagination has probably created a pretty poor film and your right it's terrible but that hasn't stopped me from watching it 3 times.

Our lead has a name but i don't remember it so I've christened her Jugs McGee for review purposes. So anyway Jugs is an environmentalist who goes swimming, spots an 'Aquanoid' and generally has a panic about it. Jugs and her mate Token (again not her name but it hardly matters) try to convince the mayor to close the beaches and people to stay out of the water. They are clearly fighting a losing battle, i mean that might have had a chance if it was a shark but the words 'Stay out of the water the aquanoid is back' are just gonna make people think your a bit 'special'. No one listens so they go and kill it themselves, slaughtering a new species is strange behaviour for an environmentalist but whatever.

I've still not convinced you that this is worth watching but I'm getting to it.

If the phrase 'so bad it's good' means nothing to you it might be best if you were to give this one (and most of the films on this site) a miss. Most films have at least one redeeming feature, here though the lack of one is its only redemption. The direction, acting, music and editing are so bad its hard to believe your not watching Garth Marenghis Darkplace, it's painful and painfully funny all at the same time.

Case in point, electric scooters. Generally when moving the action to a new location an edit will suffice, audiences are savvy enough to know that the passage of time is not a linear concept in cinema. Clearly our director (i say that loosely his main experience in movie making is as gaffer or lighting technician) feels the edit is a waste of a perfectly good joyride on an electric scooter in double speed complete with dramatic 70s cop show music. It's not big or clever but you won't find it anywhere else.

To date it also holds the record for fastest flash of tit in any film I've ever seen, 2m 02s, the opening credits are still running for Christs sake. Other notable firsts/records include

- The only time I've seen a women squeeze a dudes balls until blood runs down his leg
- The world record for shortest time between insemination and child birth at less than 5 minutes (them Aquanoids are packing some serious soldiers)
- The only recorded case of a fully dressed skinny dipper

Actually i don't think I've done a very good job of convincing you to watch this. Well I'll the last word to the Aquanoid himself....




If that doesn't seal the deal nothing will

Shadow Boxer

One day I'm going to be faced with reviewing a film so bad and so dull on all levels that writing anything even remotely interesting is going to be nigh on impossible. Luckily a well placed comedy erection means that moment has not come just yet. Shadow Boxer stars a bald guy and his mustache sporting friend who appear to be Hong Kong's answer to the Chuckle Brothers. Paul (bald) and Barry (mustache) are travelling salesmen, trying to pedal some ancient Viagra pill and generally get something for nothing.

Paul and Barry soon find themselves mistaken for great kung-fu fighters and are hired by a village to save them from the bandits milking the town for protection money. This is where Barry meets the cockacidal maniac that makes this film something special. Luckily she is one of the few characters given a name, which is good because I've run out of Chuckle Brothers to name them after. So, Deadly Tigress (oddly named i must admit) has a serious addiction to cock. So serious is her addiction it has claimed the lives of her 11 previous husbands and she has Barry in line to be number 12. Unfortunately Barry's performance is not up to the high standards of Tigress so she gives Barry a little dose of some serious pharmaceutical that helps the situation on its way. The problem comes the next morning when Barry is still as stiff as a board and more than a little worn out, all he wants to do is have a rest and maybe put a bit of ice on his swollen genitals. A nasty little bandit has other plans and engages Barry in a spot of fisticuffs, watching a man fight while hunched over to hide his erection is pure comedy gold.

So yeah the bandit gang have got the village terrified, which is a little strange considering the bandits are led by a guy who somehow resembles both Shawn Ryder and Bez. His task of being an intimidating villain is made even harder by his dubbed voice making him sound like a schizophrenic Scooby-Doo villain. Oh and he's also frightened of Deadly Tigress because he thinks her vagina has teeth, which to be fair it might i mean it would explain a lot. He also refuses to take protection money from the handicapped which while a noble gesture is hardly good for his ruthless tough guy image.

The big joke here is that they are mistaken for great fighters but are really just making it up as they go along. The problem is that they are clearly fairly good fighters pretending to be shit (a bit like Joey is Friends only he's shit pretending to be really shit). It's like Pacino and De Niro playing the Chuckle Brothers in a Hollywood remake, while it would be a fantastic spectacle you'd never believe it.

Operation Delta Force

The DVD case proudly claims that Delta Force 'would make Rambo look like a dress wearing sissy!' Now that's some bold talk right there and as I'm sure you've guessed that's all it is. Directed by Sam Firstenberg (American Ninja and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo) and starring Ernie Hudson (Winston from Ghostbusters) it holds my childhood in its hands. I can't count how many times i watched American Ninja as a kid maybe even more than i watched Ghostbusters. How you can make a disappointing film when the benchmark is American Ninja is beyond me but the next 90 minutes proved it to be possible.

I don't know who to blame for this film, the men who wrote it or Firstenberg for agreeing to direct it. What starts as standard action fare soon takes a questionable turn into an area most screenwriters would, quite rightly, avoid like an M-People greatest hits CD. Terrorists break into a research facility in Mozambique (i think) and steal a vial of the Ebola virus engineered to become airborne and the only vial of the vaccine. Now this bit is good, nice simple idea that for a screenwriter just writes itself. Maybe that was the problem, bored writers trying something new and failing because what comes next can't be described as anything close to a success.

Like all good terrorists these guys have a cause to fight for, here we have a group of right wing, racist, white South Africans intent on using the recently acquired virus to do a spot of ethnic cleansing. Is it just me that finds this a topic a little inappropriate for a cheap ass TV action movie to wade into? I had a little think for ideas that i would find more inappropriate and the best i could come up with was Harold Shipman coming back from the dead to avenge the death of Princess Di by knocking off various members of the royal family.

The dodgy plot is not the only obvious indication of the lack of money involved in this production. As is pretty standard in most action movies bar 'Top Gun' all the shots of military aircraft are stock footage or Gulf War news footage. But that's to be expected, what isn't is the one explosion that is repeated whenever anything goes bang. The first time you see the exploding mine cart it makes sense because Delta Force are in a mine, when it crops up later the mine cart looks very out of place in the jungle and on a boat. The magic mine cart throws up another question, if these guys are well trained would they not think twice before using a grenade in an abandoned gold mine? Well they go for it anyway and surprise, surprise they get trapped in a cave in. Well done dickheads! Not only are you trapped but one of you has a massive rock crushing his leg but don't worry you've a medic on hand, just not a very good one. When a trained medic has to ask 'which leg is it?' you know your in trouble, could it be the one with the huge fuck off rock on top of it.

So yeah the films goes on and Delta Force save Africa all by themselves, whoop de fuckin' doo. My favourite part of the whole experience was after the film i went to look at the special features only to find that the words 'Special Features' on the menu were just that, words. You couldn't actually choose the special features so one can only assume the words 'Special Features' constitute a special feature in their own right.

Revenge of the Dragon

70's martial arts movies are the 'Fried Egg Chili Chutney' sandwich of cinema, everything about them is so, so wrong but at the right time there is nothing more satisfying. So with this in mind i settled down with an enormous bag of pretzels and a few beers ready to enjoy the disconnection of words and mouth that bad dubbing revels in.

Simple and functional is the order of the day as far as plot goes. The Police attempt to infiltrate a criminal smuggling operation by sending our mustachioed hero in undercover. The powerful combination of quality facial hair and his pearly grin soon have the ladies swooning and the criminals begging for him to join their gang (well the crims may have been more impressed by the fact he can crush a guys skull with one hand but I'm sure the 'tach played a part).

Soon our hero is introduced to the criminal kingpin who, in his dressing gown smoking with a cigarette holder, is no doubt the criminal classes Noel Coward. His resemblance to British playwrights aside he is still one fruity muddy funster. I'm sure being the head of a criminal organisation brings with it certain freedoms that are not normally available to your average criminal but getting two prostitutes to tickle you and massage your arse is still questionable behaviour.

Now in the middle of the film something happens in between fights that exposes our hero as an undercover cop and naturally this makes his criminal pals a little cross. I'd love to tell you what this was but i have to confess that i lost interest around this time and started drawing on my foot.


By the time I'd regained some interest moustache man was fighting anyone and everyone, crushing skulls with the greatest of ease. As you can imagine he gives everyone a good kicking and stops the bad guys, hurrah!!! The fight scenes are most defiantly the films strong point, while not overly showy they are very fast and well choreographed by Yuen Wo Ping of 'Crouching Tiger...' and 'Matrix' fame. According to the IMDB the film was cut in the UK to remove some scenes containing weapons and some pretty brutal whipping scenes. Not sure if i had the cut version or not but it had the almost obligatory nunchuck fight and the last half hour was pretty brutal.

The only bit that had me really puzzled was possibly the strangest editing decision I've ever witnessed. The screen wipe is a technique seemingly only favoured by George Lucas and people editing the video of the early nineties holiday where Dad had a video camera stuck to his face for 2 weeks solid. Yet despite this one crops up in the middle of this film, why just the one? But if that's the only thing that bothered me in its 90 minute run time then 'Revenge of the Dragon' did something right.