Revenge of the Dragon

70's martial arts movies are the 'Fried Egg Chili Chutney' sandwich of cinema, everything about them is so, so wrong but at the right time there is nothing more satisfying. So with this in mind i settled down with an enormous bag of pretzels and a few beers ready to enjoy the disconnection of words and mouth that bad dubbing revels in.

Simple and functional is the order of the day as far as plot goes. The Police attempt to infiltrate a criminal smuggling operation by sending our mustachioed hero in undercover. The powerful combination of quality facial hair and his pearly grin soon have the ladies swooning and the criminals begging for him to join their gang (well the crims may have been more impressed by the fact he can crush a guys skull with one hand but I'm sure the 'tach played a part).

Soon our hero is introduced to the criminal kingpin who, in his dressing gown smoking with a cigarette holder, is no doubt the criminal classes Noel Coward. His resemblance to British playwrights aside he is still one fruity muddy funster. I'm sure being the head of a criminal organisation brings with it certain freedoms that are not normally available to your average criminal but getting two prostitutes to tickle you and massage your arse is still questionable behaviour.

Now in the middle of the film something happens in between fights that exposes our hero as an undercover cop and naturally this makes his criminal pals a little cross. I'd love to tell you what this was but i have to confess that i lost interest around this time and started drawing on my foot.


By the time I'd regained some interest moustache man was fighting anyone and everyone, crushing skulls with the greatest of ease. As you can imagine he gives everyone a good kicking and stops the bad guys, hurrah!!! The fight scenes are most defiantly the films strong point, while not overly showy they are very fast and well choreographed by Yuen Wo Ping of 'Crouching Tiger...' and 'Matrix' fame. According to the IMDB the film was cut in the UK to remove some scenes containing weapons and some pretty brutal whipping scenes. Not sure if i had the cut version or not but it had the almost obligatory nunchuck fight and the last half hour was pretty brutal.

The only bit that had me really puzzled was possibly the strangest editing decision I've ever witnessed. The screen wipe is a technique seemingly only favoured by George Lucas and people editing the video of the early nineties holiday where Dad had a video camera stuck to his face for 2 weeks solid. Yet despite this one crops up in the middle of this film, why just the one? But if that's the only thing that bothered me in its 90 minute run time then 'Revenge of the Dragon' did something right.

Nutbag: The Story of the Vegas Ripper

'Nutbag' is a horrible name for a film. Scrot Satchel and Ball Purse are also horrible names for a film but let’s not concern ourselves with those because this one's called 'Nutbag'. The tagline on the box declares this '10 Days inside the mind of a serial killer', so what does a serial killer do in 10 days? Well this particular killer talks to his pet spider and kills prostitutes. Well you assume he kills them, the majority of them die in the edit. One second they are alive and well then a quick cut to a new angle and the whole place is covered in blood.

I could lay into this film for all sorts of reasons, the script is horrible, acting horrendous, the painfully intrusive voice over but the one i want to take a run at is the killer’s wardrobe. He begins with the bold fashion statement that is a t-shirt with a breast pocket, tucked into his jeans. I don't think i've ever worn a t-shirt and thought 'do you know what this needs? Just a little pocket here to securely store any knick-knacks that i collect during the day.'

If this wasn’t bad enough when our Killer (I’d use his name but he’s credited simply as killer) wears a button up shirt he seems to be incapable of tucking it in to his trousers with anything even bordering on success. It looks like he’s been taking fashion tips from MC Hammer but got his wires crossed and ended up inventing the parachute shirt in the process. It somehow manages to be both tucked in and hanging out at the same time. Why this bothered me so much I couldn’t tell you but if this film had been even slightly less than awful I’m sure I’d have let it spoil it for me.

Shirts aside there really is very little to day about this film, positive or otherwise, or at least that’s what I thought until I had a little gander at the discs special features. Normally £1 shop DVDs have very little in the way of extra content save for a trailer or 2 but ‘Nutbag’ has something truly special in store. In a moment of madness the films director decided it would be appropriate to write page after page of gushing praise for his own film and disguise it as ‘Directors Notes’. Apparently his latest film, Murder Set Pieces, is banned in the UK. I can only assume this is the BBFC trying to save me from myself.

If you were ever faced with the decision between ‘Nutbag’ and a 6-hour lecture from Anthea Turner on the correct way to clean a toilet seat I’d highly recommend you go for the latter on the outside chance she might put on a buffet lunch.

Rusty Gateway

Needlessly wordy

Dear Milo_Myage

Thank you for your interest in the above role. We have now had the opportunity to review all the applications. Unfortunately we are unable to progress yours as others have more closely matched our requirements.

The advertisement for the role attracted many well-qualified candidates, which made initial selection all the more difficult. We have endeavoured to be fair and objective in this selection process but of course appreciate that this outcome may be disappointing for you.

May we take this opportunity to again thank you for taking the time to apply and to wish you every success for the future.

Please keep an eye on on our website where all our current vacancies are updated on a daily basis

Kind regards,

and painfully blunt

Thank you for your application. We have now reviewed your details and unfortunately we will not be progressing with your application at this stage.

I would like to thank you for your interest in the role and the company and will be in touch should anything suitable arise in the near future. In the meantime, I would like to wish you good luck in your job search.

Kind regards

Been on a Gateway to work course for the last 2 weeks. All we seem to have done is stare at a computer screen and have a fag break every 20 minutes. Hardly the most constructive way to use my time but it gets me out of bed and we're normally done by lunchtime. Though eating pasties from Greggs everyday for 2 weeks has put me off pastry for good.

Same Old Story

It's been a while but here's another rejection for the collection

Dear Milo_Myage

RE : Application for Data Processing Clerk

Unfortunately you have been unsuccessful on this occasion.

However, we would like to Thank You for your interest in ******** and wish you the best of luck with future applications.

Kindest Regards

That should really say 'Thank you for your lack of interest' It's amazing how quickly the rejections just begin to wash over you. When I open a new one I don't even read it properly, just scan it for negative words then onto the next one.

Shadowchaser: The Gates of Time

AKA Orion's Key, Alien Chaser, Project Shadowchaser 4


The number of names this film goes by you'd think it was trying to hide something, well it seems to have worked because despite this being the forth 'Shadowchaser' film it's the first i've heard of the series. Looking over the directors IMDB page reveals the high point of his career to be 4 episodes of 'Peak Practise' and 2 episodes of 'Ultimate Force', so we've not got a regular Scorsese on our hands here but TV work has to at least be functional so this shouldn't be too painful on the eyes.

We've got a fairly simple storyline to grapple with here, 5000 years ago aliens are in contact with an African tribe. After one of their little get togethers the aliens spaceship is struck by lighting and explodes. You'll just have to run with this and ignore how unlikely it is that a civilisation capable of space travel are unfamiliar with the concept of a Faraday cage. Jump to present day and a team of archaeologists are digging around the crash site and find this little key thing that the aliens gave to the tribes people before they came to their untimely end. Well most of them came to an untimely end, all except for large alien cyborg Sirius who wakes up at this point and goes in search of the key.

Sirius is the films main problem, it's really hard to take a killer alien robot seriously when he looks like Duke Nukems' homosexual cousin. Nobody can look badass with a bleached blonde flat top and black spandex shirt but worse is to come when he opens his mouth. Just to make sure you know that Sirius is a robot he has a computerised robot voice that makes it sound like he is underwater. This guy makes Johnny5 from 'Short Circuit' look like Robocop.

So the big gay robot chases the archaeologists around for a while but this is only the beginning of their problems. They have a son who was hurt in a car crash and is in hospital and apparently dying. You'd never have guessed though, when they go to visit him he looks fine probably just faking it to get some attention. The doctor is however convinced he's dying so maybe i'm missing the subtlety of the kids performance, it couldn't possibly be that he's not even trying. The poor archaeologists can't catch a break it seems as when their boss finds out about what they have found he sends a group of mercenaries after them to retrieve the key. If more employers used hired guns as a motivational tool would productivity increase?

The rest of the movie plays out in a slightly underwhelming action movie style, oh except for the spectacular stunt that never was. A truck is forced off the road and down a steep hill, well the shot appears to be set up to catch the truck rolling down the hill but it gets stuck on a rock at the very top and refuses to move. So your probably wondering what the key unlocks, i mean it must be pretty important to cause an hours worth of chases and gun fights. Well for once it actually is. The key opens an alien temple that contains an elixir that cures all illness, even the symptomless one that the archaeologists son is 'dying' from.

So for once a £1 shop movie verges on competent in all areas, not really 90 minutes wasted but hardly 90 minutes well spent.

The Attendant

You might think watching all these cheap movies is a rather perverse hobby but some of my favourite films were bought from £1 shops. However after watching 'The Attendant' i might have to agree with you, putting myself through this was a mistake.

Everything was looking quite promising to begin with, i mean the box art seems to suggest a simple slasher film, the synopsis tells of campers being done in by dark forces and the IMDB shows a respectable score of 7.6. None of this is at all accurate, i'm not even convinced the guy on the box is actually in the film.

From the off it's clear that the film cost tuppence to make, shot on video using a single camera. You can tell it's a single camera and that the cameraman has very little experience using it when the happy campers stop at a roadside diner. Everything is fine outside but then muggins forgets to adjust his white balance for the interior scenes. When one camper goes to the toilet she disappears into a sea of over exposed yellow fuzz.

So at the diner the locals tell them not to go to the nearest petrol station because the titular attendant is a little creepy but they do anyway. As they drive to the petrol station the sun starts to set and it seems the budget didn't stretch as far as lighting so from now on every scene is poorly lit and most are actually out of focus (tsk, tsk, Mr. Cameraman). The attendant turns out to be a bit weird but perfectly polite even telling them where the best camp site is, what a nice guy!

Cue some more driving and inane drivel disguised as dialogue as they make their way to the camp site, oh and one of them is a psychic or something i think that's supposed to be important. So they make it to the camp site and start setting up camp but the psychic one has a bad feeling about something or other. Everyone ignores her and settles down in front of the camp fire with a bottle of tequila. Now you might think this set up has taken maybe 20 minute, half hour tops. Well your wrong we are currently a whole HOUR in! An HOUR and nothing has happened! So now you might be thinking 'God this must be quite a long film, to waste so much time on set up.' Well no your wrong again, the credits are going to roll in TEN MINUTES. Unfortunately the sprint to the finishing line isn't really any more exciting than the leisurely stroll leading up to it. How can a film get its pacing so colossally wrong?

Turns out the camp ground is haunted by a little girl who very quickly gets all but one of our campers to kill themselves in a variety of ways (including a man fellating an axe, handle first, not really a way i'd have considered taking my own life but credit for originality) and then its over. Well there is some attempt at an explanation at the end but i don't know what the fuck it was on about.

I would rather pass a right angled turd than watch this again.

Earth Alien

Time for another look at the cheaper end of the DVD market with a trawl though the local £1 shop. First up is Earth Alien



Well as far as titles go ‘Earth Alien’ ranks as one of the stupidest. Luckily it’s only the title of the British DVD version, the original US release had the slightly better title ‘Endangered Species’. Looking at the credits on the back of the case was probably a mistake; they only served to get my hopes up. To start with we’ve got John Rhys-Davis (the angry midget without hairy feet from Lord of the Rings) and music by Harry Manfredini (Friday the 13th 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,9 and 10 but not 8) while not legends both capable individuals.

Anyway piss poor naming aside what we have here is a film that is heavily in debt to films like ‘Alien Nation’ and ‘Dark Angel’. Evil alien (David van Day look-alike) kills loads of people for reasons barely explained so friendly alien (bad dude from ‘The Mummy’) and straight talking cop have to team up to stop him.

To put the audience’s collective mind at rest this film lays its cards on the table very quickly, after 4 minutes if you want me to be precise. Four minutes in and people are naked and getting shot in the head. It’s the perfect hook! Well if you like films with tits and violence, it’s the perfect hook! Sadly it can't keep this up with people generally wearing more clothes and getting shot less as the film goes on.

The script needs a mention here for its childish sense of humour, every so often a line will be so absurd or vulgar that you’ll want to rewind to check you actually heard it right, the best one being the news reporter advising people if they have to go out at night ‘to travel in groups and carry big sticks’.

It all starts to go downhill when the business of actually apprehending the evil alien gets in the way. The key to making a film on the cheap is to keep within your means, something the makers of this forgot early on. If you’ve got no money don’t write vast chase sequences full of explosions and invisible cars. Oh yeah you read that right, invisible cars! Half the budget probably went on the none too convincing green screening so the evil alien could hang out of the window of his invisible car.

It’s only towards the end when our heroes go to blow up the nasty villains conveniently invisible spaceship that you realise no explanation for the previous 80 minutes has even been attempted but its something to with the Earth being an alien game reserve and the bad guy being an intergalactic tailor who does a nice line in human suits.

So while the storyline isn’t up to much the film is just about worth £1 if only to watch John Rhys-Davis accidentally shoot himself in the eye and for the definitive answer on who would win in a fight between Superman and Mighty Mouse (basically the mouse would be crushed to death while trying to fly up Superman's anal passage in an attempt to rip his heart out from the inside, crafty little bugger!)