Monday, July 20, 2009

Regular Service Will Resume Shortly

Finally moved house so things are a bit crazy at the moment. Once i find the local pound shop and get an internet connection sorted i'll start work on the next review.

In other news i ran the 1st Sorry But No competition over on Twitter. It was won by @IAmDunketh and he will soon be the proud owner of Revenge of the Dragon.

Monday, July 06, 2009


Nobody sets out to make a film like 'Aquanoids'. You start with the greatest intentions but at some point during production the penny drops and you have a choice to make. You either resign yourself to the fact your best effort more closely resembles something that is flushed away rather than loved and cherished or you go the 'Aquanoids' way and revel in the mess you've hopefully financed with other peoples money.

I could go on in detail about the films plot but it's much easier if you just think of 'Jaws' and replace the shark with a monster that looks like GWAR have gone snorkeling. Oh and you'll have to imagine the cast of 'Jaws' are all young women with large breasts and electric scooters but other than that it's just like 'Jaws'. Your imagination has
probably created a pretty poor film and your right it's terrible but that hasn't stopped me from watching it 3 times.

Our lead has a name but i don't remember it so I've christened her Jugs McGee for review purposes. So anyway Jugs is an environmentalist who goes swimming, spots an 'Aquanoid' and generally has a panic about it. Jugs and her mate Token (again not her name but it hardly matters) try to convince the mayor to close the beaches and people to stay out of the water. They are clearly fighting a losing battle, i mean that might have had a chance if it was a shark but the words 'Stay out of the water the aquanoid is back' are just gonna make people think your a bit 'special'. No one listens so they go and kill it themselves, slaughtering a new species is strange behaviour for an environmentalist but whatever.

I've still not convinced you that this is worth watching but I'm getting to it.

If the phrase 'so bad it's good' means nothing to you it might be best if you were to give this one (and most of the films on this site) a miss. Most films have at least one redeeming feature, here though the lack of one is its only redemption. The direction, acting, music and editing are so bad its hard to believe your not watching Garth Marenghis Darkplace, it's painful and painfully funny all at the same time.

Case in point, electric scooters. Generally when moving the action to a new location an edit will suffice, audiences are savvy enough to know that the passage of time is not a linear concept in cinema. Clearly our director (i say that loosely his main experience in movie making is as gaffer or lighting technician) feels the edit is a waste of a perfec
tly good joyride on an electric scooter in double speed complete with dramatic 70s cop show music. It's not big or clever but you won't find it anywhere else.

To date it also holds the record for fastest flash of tit in any film I've ever seen, 2m 02s, the opening credits are still running for Christs sake. Other notable firsts/records include

- The only time I've seen a women squeeze a dudes balls until blood runs down his leg
- The world record for shortest time between insemination and child birth at less than 5 minutes (them Aquanoids are packing some serious soldiers)
- The only recorded case of a fully dressed skinny dipper

Actually i don't think I've done a very good job of convincing you to watch this. Well I'll the last word to the Aquanoid himself....

If that doesn't seal the deal nothing will

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Shadow Boxer

One day I'm going to be faced with reviewing a film so bad and so dull on all levels that writing anything even remotely interesting is going to be nigh on impossible. Luckily a well placed comedy erection means that moment has not come just yet. Shadow Boxer stars a bald guy and his mustache sporting friend who appear to be Hong Kong's answer to the Chuckle Brothers. Paul (bald) and Barry (mustache) are travelling salesmen, trying to pedal some ancient Viagra pill and generally get something for nothing.

Paul and Barry soon find themselves mistaken for great kung-fu fighters and are hired by a village to save them from the bandits milking the town for protection money. This is where Barry meets the cockacidal maniac that makes this film something special. Luckily she is one of the few characters given a name, which is good because I've run out of Chuckle Brothers to name them after. So, Deadly Tigress (oddly named i must admit) has a serious addiction to cock. So serious is her addiction it has claimed the lives of her 11 previous husbands and she has Barry in line to be number 12. Unfortunately Barry's performance is not up to the high standards of Tigress so she gives Barry a little dose of some serious pharmaceutical that helps the situation on its way. The problem comes the next morning when Barry is still as stiff as a board and more than a little worn out, all he wants to do is have a rest and maybe put a bit of ice on his swollen genitals. A nasty little bandit has other plans and engages Barry in a spot of fisticuffs, watching a man fight while hunched over to hide his erection is pure comedy gold.

So yeah the bandit gang have got the village terrified, which is a little strange considering the bandits are led by a guy who somehow resembles both Shawn Ryder and Bez. His task of being an intimidating villain is made even harder by his dubbed voice making him sound like a schizophrenic Scooby-Doo villain. Oh and he's also frightened of Deadly Tigress because he thinks her vagina has teeth, which to be fair it might i mean it would explain a lot. He also refuses to take protection money from the handicapped which while a noble gesture is hardly good for his ruthless tough guy image.

The big joke here is that they are mistaken for great fighters but are really just making it up as they go along. The problem is that they are clearly fairly good fighters pretending to be shit (a bit like Joey is Friends only he's shit pretending to be really shit). It's like Pacino and De Niro playing the Chuckle Brothers in a Hollywood remake, while it would be a fantastic spectacle you'd never believe it.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Operation Delta Force

The DVD case proudly claims that Delta Force 'would make Rambo look like a dress wearing sissy!' Now that's some bold talk right there and as I'm sure you've guessed that's all it is. Directed by Sam Firstenberg (American Ninja and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo) and starring Ernie Hudson (Winston from Ghostbusters) it holds my childhood in its hands. I can't count how many times i watched American Ninja as a kid maybe even more than i watched Ghostbusters. How you can make a disappointing film when the benchmark is American Ninja is beyond me but the next 90 minutes proved it to be possible.

I don't know who to blame for this film, the men who wrote it or Firstenberg for agreeing to direct it. What starts as standard action fare soon takes a questionable turn into an area most screenwriters would, quite rightly, avoid like an M-People greatest hits CD. Terrorists break into a research facility in Mozambique (i think) and steal a vial of the Ebola virus engineered to become airborne and the only vial of the vaccine. Now this bit is good, nice simple idea that for a screenwriter just writes itself. Maybe that was the problem, bored writers trying something new and failing because what comes next can't be described as anything close to a success.

Like all good terrorists these guys have a cause to fight for, here we have a group of right wing, racist, white South Africans intent on using the recently acquired virus to do a spot of ethnic cleansing. Is it just me that finds this a topic a little inappropriate for a cheap ass TV action movie to wade into? I had a little think for ideas that i would find more inappropriate and the best i could come up with was Harold Shipman coming back from the dead to avenge the death of Princess Di by knocking off various members of the royal family.

The dodgy plot is not the only obvious indication of the lack of money involved in this production. As is pretty standard in most action movies bar 'Top Gun' all the shots of military aircraft are stock footage or Gulf War news footage. But that's to be expected, what isn't is the one explosion that is repeated whenever anything goes bang. The first time you see the exploding mine cart it makes sense because Delta Force are in a mine, when it crops up later the mine cart looks very out of place in the jungle and on a boat. The magic mine cart throws up another question, if these guys are well trained would they not think twice before using a grenade in an abandoned gold mine? Well they go for it anyway and surprise, surprise they get trapped in a cave in. Well done dickheads! Not only are you trapped but one of you has a massive rock crushing his leg but don't worry you've a medic on hand, just not a very good one. When a trained medic has to ask 'which leg is it?' you know your in trouble, could it be the one with the huge fuck off rock on top of it.

So yeah the films goes on and Delta Force save Africa all by themselves, whoop de fuckin' doo. My favourite part of the whole experience was after the film i went to look at the special features only to find that the words 'Special Features' on the menu were just that, words. You couldn't actually choose the special features so one can only assume the words 'Special Features' constitute a special feature in their own right.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Revenge of the Dragon

70's martial arts movies are the 'Fried Egg Chili Chutney' sandwich of cinema, everything about them is so, so wrong but at the right time there is nothing more satisfying. So with this in mind i settled down with an enormous bag of pretzels and a few beers ready to enjoy the disconnection of words and mouth that bad dubbing revels in.

Simple and functional is the order of the day as far as plot goes. The Police attempt to infiltrate a criminal smuggling operation by sending our mustachioed hero in undercover. The powerful combination of quality facial hair and his pearly grin soon have the ladies swooning and the criminals begging for him to join their gang (well the crims may have been more impressed by the fact he can crush a guys skull with one hand but I'm sure the 'tach played a part).

Soon our hero is introduced to the criminal kingpin who, in his dressing gown smoking with a cigarette holder, is no doubt the criminal classes Noel Coward. His resemblance to British playwrights aside he is still one fruity muddy funster. I'm sure being the head of a criminal organisation brings with it certain freedoms that are not normally available to your average criminal but getting two prostitutes to tickle you and massage your arse is still questionable behaviour.

Now in the middle of the film something happens in between fights that exposes our hero as an undercover cop and naturally this makes his criminal pals a little cross. I'd love to tell you what this was but i have to confess that i lost interest around this time and started drawing on my foot.

By the time I'd regained some interest moustache man was fighting anyone and everyone, crushing skulls with the greatest of ease. As you can imagine he gives everyone a good kicking and stops the bad guys, hurrah!!! The fight scenes are most defiantly the films strong point, while not overly showy they are very fast and well choreographed by Yuen Wo Ping of 'Crouching Tiger...' and 'Matrix' fame. According to the IMDB the film was cut in the UK to remove some scenes containing weapons and some pretty brutal whipping scenes. Not sure if i had the cut version or not but it had the almost obligatory nunchuck fight and the last half hour was pretty brutal.

The only bit that had me really puzzled was possibly the strangest editing decision I've ever witnessed. The screen wipe is a technique seemingly only favoured by George Lucas and people editing the video of the early nineties holiday where Dad had a video camera stuck to his face for 2 weeks solid. Yet despite this one crops up in the middle of this film, why just the one? But if that's the only thing that bothered me in its 90 minute run time then 'Revenge of the Dragon' did something right.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Nutbag: The Story of the Vegas Ripper

'Nutbag' is a horrible name for a film. Scrot Satchel and Ball Purse are also horrible names for a film but let’s not concern ourselves with those because this one's called 'Nutbag'. The tagline on the box declares this '10 Days inside the mind of a serial killer', so what does a serial killer do in 10 days? Well this particular killer talks to his pet spider and kills prostitutes. Well you assume he kills them, the majority of them die in the edit. One second they are alive and well then a quick cut to a new angle and the whole place is covered in blood.

I could lay into this film for all sorts of reasons, the script is horrible, acting horrendous, the painfully intrusive voice over but the one i want to take a run at is the killer’s wardrobe. He begins with the bold fashion statement that is a t-shirt with a breast pocket, tucked into his jeans. I don't think i've ever worn a t-shirt and thought 'do you know what this needs? Just a little pocket here to securely store any knick-knacks that i collect during the day.'

If this wasn’t bad enough when our Killer (I’d use his name but he’s credited simply as killer) wears a button up shirt he seems to be incapable of tucking it in to his trousers with anything even bordering on success. It looks like he’s been taking fashion tips from MC Hammer but got his wires crossed and ended up inventing the parachute shirt in the process. It somehow manages to be both tucked in and hanging out at the same time. Why this bothered me so much I couldn’t tell you but if this film had been even slightly less than awful I’m sure I’d have let it spoil it for me.

Shirts aside there really is very little to day about this film, positive or otherwise, or at least that’s what I thought until I had a little gander at the discs special features. Normally £1 shop DVDs have very little in the way of extra content save for a trailer or 2 but ‘Nutbag’ has something truly special in store. In a moment of madness the films director decided it would be appropriate to write page after page of gushing praise for his own film and disguise it as ‘Directors Notes’. Apparently his latest film, Murder Set Pieces, is banned in the UK. I can only assume this is the BBFC trying to save me from myself.

If you were ever faced with the decision between ‘Nutbag’ and a 6-hour lecture from Anthea Turner on the correct way to clean a toilet seat I’d highly recommend you go for the latter on the outside chance she might put on a buffet lunch.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Rusty Gateway

Needlessly wordy

Dear Milo_Myage

Thank you for your interest in the above role. We have now had the opportunity to review all the applications. Unfortunately we are unable to progress yours as others have more closely matched our requirements.

The advertisement for the role attracted many well-qualified candidates, which made initial selection all the more difficult. We have endeavoured to be fair and objective in this selection process but of course appreciate that this outcome may be disappointing for you.

May we take this opportunity to again thank you for taking the time to apply and to wish you every success for the future.

Please keep an eye on on our website where all our current vacancies are updated on a daily basis

Kind regards,

and painfully blunt

Thank you for your application. We have now reviewed your details and unfortunately we will not be progressing with your application at this stage.

I would like to thank you for your interest in the role and the company and will be in touch should anything suitable arise in the near future. In the meantime, I would like to wish you good luck in your job search.

Kind regards

Been on a Gateway to work course for the last 2 weeks. All we seem to have done is stare at a computer screen and have a fag break every 20 minutes. Hardly the most constructive way to use my time but it gets me out of bed and we're normally done by lunchtime. Though eating pasties from Greggs everyday for 2 weeks has put me off pastry for good.

Monday, June 08, 2009

Same Old Story

It's been a while but here's another rejection for the collection

Dear Milo_Myage

RE : Application for Data Processing Clerk

Unfortunately you have been unsuccessful on this occasion.

However, we would like to Thank You for your interest in ******** and wish you the best of luck with future applications.

Kindest Regards

That should really say 'Thank you for your lack of interest' It's amazing how quickly the rejections just begin to wash over you. When I open a new one I don't even read it properly, just scan it for negative words then onto the next one.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Shadowchaser: The Gates of Time

AKA Orion's Key, Alien Chaser, Project Shadowchaser 4

The number of names this film goes by you'd think it was trying to hide something, well it seems to have worked because despite this being the forth 'Shadowchaser' film it's the first i've heard of the series. Looking over the directors IMDB page reveals the high point of his career to be 4 episodes of 'Peak Practise' and 2 episodes of 'Ultimate Force', so we've not got a regular Scorsese on our hands here but TV work has to at least be functional so this shouldn't be too painful on the eyes.

We've got a fairly simple storyline to grapple with here, 5000 years ago aliens are in contact with an African tribe. After one of their little get togethers the aliens spaceship is struck by lighting and explodes. You'll just have to run with this and ignore how unlikely it is that a civilisation capable of space travel are unfamiliar with the concept of a Faraday cage. Jump to present day and a team of archaeologists are digging around the crash site and find this little key thing that the aliens gave to the tribes people before they came to their untimely end. Well most of them came to an untimely end, all except for large alien cyborg Sirius who wakes up at this point and goes in search of the key.

Sirius is the films main problem, it's really hard to take a killer alien robot seriously when he looks like Duke Nukems' homosexual cousin. Nobody can look badass with a bleached blonde flat top and black spandex shirt but worse is to come when he opens his mouth. Just to make sure you know that Sirius is a robot he has a computerised robot voice that makes it sound like he is underwater. This guy makes Johnny5 from 'Short Circuit' look like Robocop.

So the big gay robot chases the archaeologists around for a while but this is only the beginning of their problems. They have a son who was hurt in a car crash and is in hospital and apparently dying. You'd never have guessed though, when they go to visit him he looks fine probably just faking it to get some attention. The doctor is however convinced he's dying so maybe i'm missing the subtlety of the kids performance, it couldn't possibly be that he's not even trying. The poor archaeologists can't catch a break it seems as when their boss finds out about what they have found he sends a group of mercenaries after them to retrieve the key. If more employers used hired guns as a motivational tool would productivity increase?

The rest of the movie plays out in a slightly underwhelming action movie style, oh except for the spectacular stunt that never was. A truck is forced off the road and down a steep hill, well the shot appears to be set up to catch the truck rolling down the hill but it gets stuck on a rock at the very top and refuses to move. So your probably wondering what the key unlocks, i mean it must be pretty important to cause an hours worth of chases and gun fights. Well for once it actually is. The key opens an alien temple that contains an elixir that cures all illness, even the symptomless one that the archaeologists son is 'dying' from.

So for once a £1 shop movie verges on competent in all areas, not really 90 minutes wasted but hardly 90 minutes well spent.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

The Attendant

You might think watching all these cheap movies is a rather perverse hobby but some of my favourite films were bought from £1 shops. However after watching 'The Attendant' i might have to agree with you, putting myself through this was a mistake.

Everything was looking quite promising to begin with, i mean the box art seems to suggest a simple slasher film, the synopsis tells of campers being done in by dark forces and the IMDB shows a respectable score of 7.6. None of this is at all accurate, i'm not even convinced the guy on the box is actually in the film.

From the off it's clear that the film cost tuppence to make, shot on video using a single camera. You can tell it's a single camera and that the cameraman has very little experience using it when the happy campers stop at a roadside diner. Everything is fine outside but then muggins forgets to adjust his white balance for the interior scenes. When one camper goes to the toilet she disappears into a sea of over exposed yellow fuzz.

So at the diner the locals tell them not to go to the nearest petrol station because the titular attendant is a little creepy but they do anyway. As they drive to the petrol station the sun starts to set and it seems the budget didn't stretch as far as lighting so from now on every scene is poorly lit and most are actually out of focus (tsk, tsk, Mr. Cameraman). The attendant turns out to be a bit weird but perfectly polite even telling them where the best camp site is, what a nice guy!

Cue some more driving and inane drivel disguised as dialogue as they make their way to the camp site, oh and one of them is a psychic or something i think that's supposed to be important. So they make it to the camp site and start setting up camp but the psychic one has a bad feeling about something or other. Everyone ignores her and settles down in front of the camp fire with a bottle of tequila. Now you might think this set up has taken maybe 20 minute, half hour tops. Well your wrong we are currently a whole HOUR in! An HOUR and nothing has happened! So now you might be thinking 'God this must be quite a long film, to waste so much time on set up.' Well no your wrong again, the credits are going to roll in TEN MINUTES. Unfortunately the sprint to the finishing line isn't really any more exciting than the leisurely stroll leading up to it. How can a film get its pacing so colossally wrong?

Turns out the camp ground is haunted by a little girl who very quickly gets all but one of our campers to kill themselves in a variety of ways (including a man fellating an axe, handle first, not really a way i'd have considered taking my own life but credit for originality) and then its over. Well there is some attempt at an explanation at the end but i don't know what the fuck it was on about.

I would rather pass a right angled turd than watch this again.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Earth Alien

Time for another look at the cheaper end of the DVD market with a trawl though the local £1 shop. First up is Earth Alien

Well as far as titles go ‘Earth Alien’ ranks as one of the stupidest. Luckily it’s only the title of the British DVD version, the original US release had the slightly better title ‘Endangered Species’. Looking at the credits on the back of the case was probably a mistake; they only served to get my hopes up. To start with we’ve got John Rhys-Davis (the angry midget without hairy feet from Lord of the Rings) and music by Harry Manfredini (Friday the 13th 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,9 and 10 but not 8) while not legends both capable individuals.

Anyway piss poor naming aside what we have here is a film that is heavily in debt to films like ‘Alien Nation’ and ‘Dark Angel’. Evil alien (David van Day look-alike) kills loads of people for reasons barely explained so friendly alien (bad dude from ‘The Mummy’) and straight talking cop have to team up to stop him.

To put the audience’s collective mind at rest this film lays its cards on the table very quickly, after 4 minutes if you want me to be precise. Four minutes in and people are naked and getting shot in the head. It’s the perfect hook! Well if you like films with tits and violence, it’s the perfect hook! Sadly it can't keep this up with people generally wearing more clothes and getting shot less as the film goes on.

The script needs a mention here for its childish sense of humour, every so often a line will be so absurd or vulgar that you’ll want to rewind to check you actually heard it right, the best one being the news reporter advising people if they have to go out at night ‘to travel in groups and carry big sticks’.

It all starts to go downhill when the business of actually apprehending the evil alien gets in the way. The key to making a film on the cheap is to keep within your means, something the makers of this forgot early on. If you’ve got no money don’t write vast chase sequences full of explosions and invisible cars. Oh yeah you read that right, invisible cars! Half the budget probably went on the none too convincing green screening so the evil alien could hang out of the window of his invisible car.

It’s only towards the end when our heroes go to blow up the nasty villains conveniently invisible spaceship that you realise no explanation for the previous 80 minutes has even been attempted but its something to with the Earth being an alien game reserve and the bad guy being an intergalactic tailor who does a nice line in human suits.

So while the storyline isn’t up to much the film is just about worth £1 if only to watch John Rhys-Davis accidentally shoot himself in the eye and for the definitive answer on who would win in a fight between Superman and Mighty Mouse (basically the mouse would be crushed to death while trying to fly up Superman's anal passage in an attempt to rip his heart out from the inside, crafty little bugger!)

Sunday, May 17, 2009

50's Grill

Another takeaway menu fell though my letterbox this morning, normally i just put them in the pile with all the other practically identical menus and leave it be. This one however managed to irritate me something rotten.

How many grills/diners circa 1950 do you know that sold halal meat let alone curries and paninis? Now you might be thinking 'Hold your horses, you haven't looked inside yet. Maybe the inside can yet redeem the '50's Grill'.

Well no it can't

Old school dishes? Old school dishes? They're not old school dishes, they're the standard curries you'd expect in any curry house (or in this case 50s grill). Maybe you'd like something from the grill which enticed you in the first place, well i'd stay clear of the 50s Special burger or as most people would call it a cheese burger with some onions. There is nothing 'Special' about putting onions on a cheese burger. Or maybe you'd like to try the 'Relish Burger' described as 'a burger smoothered with relish'. Fancy that! A relish buger has relish on it!

Ahh fuck it! All this anger has made me peckish, think i'll order a 50's Tortila Wrap.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

What Does This Button Do?

My search for a job reaches new levels of incompetence with this delight


Thanks for your email.

Would it be possible if you could POST me your CV as I am having problems downloading & printing the CV for my Recruitment Manager.

Please post your CV ASAP as the deadline for the CV'S is SATURDAY 16TH MAY 2009.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Having trouble downloading and printing? It's an attachment! Just open it and press print for fucks sake! It amazes me that people like this can get dressed by themselves let alone get a job.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Sorry But No Round 2

Let's begin with

Dear Milo_Myage

Administration Assistant

Further to your recent application for the above position, we have now had the opportunity to review all the applications.

Although we were impressed with the quality of all the applications received, I regret to inform you that, on this occasion, there were candidates whose background and skills more closely matched the job specification than your own. However, we will keep your details on file should a suitable vacancy arise in the near future.

We would like to take this opportunity to thank you for the interest you have shown in our firm, and wish you all the best with your continuing job search.

Kind regards.

and move on to

Dear Milo_Myage

Thank you for applying for the position of Sales Assistant

We have received a high volume of applications for this specific role and unfortunately on this occasion other candidates have demonstrated greater suitability for interview.

You have demonstrated the attributes we look for at ****** and we will keep reviewing your application against other suitable roles as they arise.

We would also encourage you to go to www.*******.jobs and register for job alerts in order to be the first to hear of our new vacancies.

Once again we would like to thank you for your interest in *******.

Kind Regards,

Next up we have short and to the point

Dear Milo_Myage


Following your recent interview I regret to inform you that you have been unsuccessful on this occasion.

I wish you every success in finding suitable employment in the future.

Yours sincerely

and to round off Aprils rejections

Dear Milo_Myage

Re: Part Time Resourcing Assistant

Thank you for your recent application for the above position.

Due to the high level of applications, which matched the criteria of the role more closely than you, I regret to inform you that on this occasion your application was unsuccessful.

We hope you will not hesitate to apply for other suitable positions that we advertise in the future.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your interest in *********** and I would like to wish you every success in finding a suitable position.

Kind regards

So that was April. Well Aprils e-mail rejections, the retro letters are on my floor somewhere probably under all the dirty washing. Not really that many for a month but thats more to do with companies not even bothering to get back to me (some don't even bother to call you after you've been for an interview) than me being lazy. Instead of monthly updates i'm gonna start posting them up as i get them to give me something to do more than anything else. So until the next rejection.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

While You Were Sleeping

I've been awake for the last 9 hours, during this time normally reserved for sleep i have learned that...

...Rob Grant was the talented one
or at least that's how it appears after watching the first 2 episodes of 'Back to Earth'. I initially thought that it had no laughter track but maybe we just haven't got to a joke yet. Even worse unless there are a few surprises in the final episode the plot seems to be pulled straight from The League of Gentlemen film, if this is to become a staple way to revive sitcoms of the past can 'Dinner ladies' or 'The Thin Blue Line' please be next.

...Michelle Ryan has stolen someone else's voice
There were time in yesterdays Dr Who when it didn't look or sound like her voice was actually coming from her mouth, saying that i didn't spend an awful lot of time staring at her mouth. But anyway a show about flying metal stingrays and not a single distasteful Steve Irwin joke in sight. Overall it left me cold, i mean parts of it made no sense, how exactly did hitting the cold cup with the hammer help?

...Calvin Harris wasn't the worst thing i saw all night
That honour goes to the new Noisettes video, firm contender for most disappointing track or the year so far. At least Calvin's making slight progress, at this rate he'll be listenable in a few decades.

...At 5am the only half decent thing on is
Ninja Warrior and that's only because Ideal World got boring after an hour of the 13 in 1 ladder for only £90 and that leads me on to

...Ideal World's sales tactics are a bit full on
If you don't buy this ladder your going to suffer a horrible ladder related accident the next time you need to paint a ceiling. It's ok though because i firmly believe if a job requires me to climb a ladder it'll be quicker and easier just to get a man in to do it for me leaving me to make him a cup of tea in an old mug so he doesn't ruin a nice one with his coarse, work hardened hands.

and finally

...i'm too tired to write a coherent post

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Sorry But No

Dear Milo_Myage

Administration Assistant

Further to your recent application for the above position, we have now had the opportunity to review all the applications.

Although we were impressed with the quality of all the applications received, I regret to inform you that, on this occasion, there were candidates whose background and skills more closely matched the job specification than your own. However, we will keep your details on file should a suitable vacancy arise in the near future.

We would like to take this opportunity to thank you for the interest you have shown in our firm, and wish you all the best with your continuing job search.

Kind regards.

Or how about

Thank you for you application for the position of Office Trainee with ********, we had an exceptional response in reply for this advertisement and could not interview everybody who applied.

In your instance we will not be taking your application any further, we wish you success in finding a suitable position in the near future.

Or maybe you'd prefer

Thank you for your recent job application for the role of Part Time Sales Consultant

I really appreciate the time you have put into this but unfortunately I won’t be taking your application any further. While I can't always provide detailed feedback, there were other candidates more suitable for this position.

Thanks again for your interest in us and do keep your eye out for new opportunities on our website which is regularly updated. Use your login details to save a search and we will email you jobs that match.

In the meantime, I wish you every success in the future.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Life on Mars – A Reappraisal

On the 9th of January 2006 at 9pm I like millions of other people sat down to watch the 1st episode of the new BBC drama series, ‘Life on Mars’. By 10pm I was hooked and a fan for life, at least I thought I was.

Thanks to the News of the World and the persistence of certain family members I was able to give the show another viewing, running through both series with some speed. I kinda wish I hadn’t bothered, then I’d still happy memories of enjoying it the first time around.

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not a terrible show, just not the same one that I remember watching at the time. I remember a 70s cop show with an interesting Sci-fi twist smartly blended in, what I’ve just watched is a 70s cop show with a Sci-fi twist intruding with the subtlety of a painter with hands made of pork.

After a couple of episodes the whole ‘am I in a coma?’ shtick totally runs out of ideas and your left with the same old Vs new conflict to play out again and again. By series 2 it’s become an exercise in treading water with only bright orange inflatable armbands keeping it afloat. When you think about it Sam doesn’t even need to be from the future to achieve the same personality clash between him and Gene. He could just be a more progressive style of police officer then they could have removed all the talking to his television that punctures and slows the quality nostalgia-fest that makes up the rest of the show.

Prior to being picked up by the BBC it had been worked on by Channel 4 who decided not to pursue the idea further because ‘it’s going to be silly’. They were right. It might have worked as a more streamlined 4-6 hour mini series but the premise didn’t have the legs for 16 hour long episodes.