Monday, July 06, 2009

Aquanoids



Nobody sets out to make a film like 'Aquanoids'. You start with the greatest intentions but at some point during production the penny drops and you have a choice to make. You either resign yourself to the fact your best effort more closely resembles something that is flushed away rather than loved and cherished or you go the 'Aquanoids' way and revel in the mess you've hopefully financed with other peoples money.

I could go on in detail about the films plot but it's much easier if you just think of 'Jaws' and replace the shark with a monster that looks like GWAR have gone snorkeling. Oh and you'll have to imagine the cast of 'Jaws' are all young women with large breasts and electric scooters but other than that it's just like 'Jaws'. Your imagination has
probably created a pretty poor film and your right it's terrible but that hasn't stopped me from watching it 3 times.

Our lead has a name but i don't remember it so I've christened her Jugs McGee for review purposes. So anyway Jugs is an environmentalist who goes swimming, spots an 'Aquanoid' and generally has a panic about it. Jugs and her mate Token (again not her name but it hardly matters) try to convince the mayor to close the beaches and people to stay out of the water. They are clearly fighting a losing battle, i mean that might have had a chance if it was a shark but the words 'Stay out of the water the aquanoid is back' are just gonna make people think your a bit 'special'. No one listens so they go and kill it themselves, slaughtering a new species is strange behaviour for an environmentalist but whatever.

I've still not convinced you that this is worth watching but I'm getting to it.

If the phrase 'so bad it's good' means nothing to you it might be best if you were to give this one (and most of the films on this site) a miss. Most films have at least one redeeming feature, here though the lack of one is its only redemption. The direction, acting, music and editing are so bad its hard to believe your not watching Garth Marenghis Darkplace, it's painful and painfully funny all at the same time.

Case in point, electric scooters. Generally when moving the action to a new location an edit will suffice, audiences are savvy enough to know that the passage of time is not a linear concept in cinema. Clearly our director (i say that loosely his main experience in movie making is as gaffer or lighting technician) feels the edit is a waste of a perfec
tly good joyride on an electric scooter in double speed complete with dramatic 70s cop show music. It's not big or clever but you won't find it anywhere else.

To date it also holds the record for fastest flash of tit in any film I've ever seen, 2m 02s, the opening credits are still running for Christs sake. Other notable firsts/records include

- The only time I've seen a women squeeze a dudes balls until blood runs down his leg
- The world record for shortest time between insemination and child birth at less than 5 minutes (them Aquanoids are packing some serious soldiers)
- The only recorded case of a fully dressed skinny dipper

Actually i don't think I've done a very good job of convincing you to watch this. Well I'll the last word to the Aquanoid himself....




If that doesn't seal the deal nothing will

1 comment:

James said...

I'm quite tempted to buy this one... £1.85 used (inc postage) on Amazon. Hmmm...